


Letters from Shepard

by Fervent_dreamer



Category: Mass Effect, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Canon-Typical Coping Mechanisms, Canon-Typical Violence, Domestic Fluff, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Longing, Minor appearances by other canon characters - Freeform, Non-Explicit Sex, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-28
Updated: 2017-08-12
Packaged: 2018-10-12 07:43:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 29,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10485780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fervent_dreamer/pseuds/Fervent_dreamer
Summary: Shepard pressed one last kiss to his lips before pulling away to board the Normandy, leaving him on the dock. Thane watched her turn a sharp corner into the ship with a swish of her ponytail. He had only a moment to wish he could go with her when a hand clapped his shoulder.Thane turned to see one James Vega, the Lieutenant Shepard had told him about."I thought you might want these." He handed Thane a thick packet of papers. Curious he browsed through them to see page upon page of grey lettering that he recognized as English but could not read. He looked back to Vega, head slightly cocked in a silent question. "She wrote a lot while she was being held. It was one of the few things they allowed her to do. When she was relieved of duty, and moved from holding to housing, I was ordered to confiscate all personal items. I just happened to have them when we were attacked. After seeing you, and seeing her here... I figure they're better in your keeping than in the hands of an Alliance investigator."___During the six months she was held by the Alliance, Shepard tried to write to Thane. These are her letters. Told from Thane's point of view during ME3.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Because any Shepard who loved Thane would have tried to write him too.

_Thane,_

_I managed to convince one of the guards that I couldn't do harm with paper and writing utensil. It took a couple of weeks, but I managed it. They gave me a pencil. A real, pencil. There's graphite, wood, and everything. I can see why they stopped making them a while ago, the lead breaks under too much pressure and the length of the whole thing is barely enough to hold on to._

_They are being very, very cautious with me._

_I would be flattered if it wasn't beyond ridiculous, but I'm not exactly in a position to be picky. My omni-tool was confiscated on arrival, and I'm not allowed anywhere near any terminals or even vid screens. I do get books on read-only data pads, but nothing I can manipulate._

_You would think I was Kasumi or Tali the way they keep technology away from me. I'm flattered, really, but you and I both know my hacking skills are limited to shoddy wall safes and the most basic security on credit accounts. Half the time I had better luck shooting open a locker than picking it._

_The Alliance is keeping me isolated for now. I can't quite decide if this is a favor or another form of interrogation. Probably a mix of both. The lower N-levels were spent on planet, taking turns leading the our team through many a classified operation. I'd imagine some of those prisoners we took are in this facility as well._

_On the other hand..._

_~~I can't help but look around for weaknesses in their defenses. There are four guards that I can see outside my cell. One of them is so fresh from the academy there are still creases from the uniform packaging on his coat. He would be the weak link in the chain. I saw enough of the facility on the way in that I could~~ _

_How are you doing? How is Kolyat doing? I know things were rough and awkward between you two, but I hope it's getting easier._

_I understand what it is like to violently lose a parent, but I also know you have the one thing required to reach through that pain. Patience._

_Maybe it's good that I'm not with you right now. I would probably just keep telling you every you already know. Let him come to you. Don't take his emotions straight to heart, because even though he is angry, you are still his father and always will be. Let him rage, let him cry._

_Your faith, your endurance, I've seen it all time and again in our missions, in your interactions with the crew, and with me. It all has served you and will continue to serve you well . Don't be nervous. It'll be messy and ugly, but ultimately the two of you will work it out._

_I can just see you smiling at me right now, indulgent and slightly exasperated._

_I can hear your "Thank you, Siha," before you have us move onto another topic._

_I still wish I could be there, despite my tendency to meddle a bit._

_Yes, only a bit._

_Don't laugh at me, I keep my meddling to a minimum._

_Bare minimum._

_Stop it, I can hear it from here._

Thane ended his final recording to Shepard. There wouldn't be any more. Every single method he'd tried failed to get through to her. He gathered the letters and data pads and tucked them away in a drawer in the desk provided to long term patients. Hopefully, they would make their way to her when he passed. It was all he could do now.

The news played in the background everywhere in the hospital, but nearing six months since she was taken into custody, Shepard was little more than a footnote. Newscasters would barely mention that she was still held by the Alliance, nothing more.

The Alliance had no comment whenever the reporters asked about court marshals, or even the possibility of handing her back to the Batarians. The debates about war crimes and their definitions had ceased in the media. Shepard's release was never mentioned, neither as a question nor even a possibility.

It hadn't stopped him from trying to contact her. Now that he had exhausted every avenue he could think of, Thane was resigned to the fact that he would not hear from his Siha again.

The former assassin sighed, as he looked around the hospital room he would most likely die in. Taking in the bland coverlet, the sterile walls, and the subtle, but still present medical equipment, his thoughts went to Kajhe, with all of its color, all of its chaos. The room made him think of battle and how he would much prefer to die anywhere but here.

But it put Kolyat at ease. In his final days, Thane was willing to do anything to assure him. It was the least he could do.

Initially, he hadn't told Kolyat of his illness. This was a conscious decision. He wanted to reconcile on their own terms without Kolyat feeling pressured to forgive him simply because there were few grains of sand left in his hour glass. He wished for a forgiveness achieved through discussion and understanding, and if understanding was not a possibility, then at least through an acceptance of their differences, their actions, and the ability to move past them.

It was thanks to Shepard that he had the luxury to try.. He'd witnessed her skills in diplomacy on more than one occasion, but that day was when he'd had the highest appreciation for them. She managed to persuade Kolyat to listen after freeing Tallid, without revealing anything about his condition

No matter Thane's wishes, however, the Gods seemed to have a different plan.

Of course, the attack had to happen in the middle of an argument. An argument about what, Thane couldn't say. For humans, that seemed common place, for a drell, it was terrifying.

He could recall the morning, rising, performing his daily exercises, eating, and heading over to Kolyat's apartment, but after being admitted into the apartment, nothing. No memories, not even an impression.

It was brain damage from the lack of oxygen in his system. Parts of Thane's mind were gradually being suffocated to death. He wasn't sure what happened during these... absences. The few times they had happened with Shepard, they were brief and she always greeted him with a smile, saying "Welcome back," before continuing with whatever conversation they had started.

Then again, she had known almost from the beginning that he was sick. It caught Kolyat off guard, especially the lack of memory. Thane certain that was what had scared him more than anything.  

A perfect memory was not only a part of their biology, but it had been woven into their very culture. For all that Kolyat was keen on making his way in the galaxy, it was only recently he had left Kahje and Irihka's sister's, his aunt's, house. He'd not yet had the time to acclimatize to the vastly different cultures or rather, lack thereof that was encountered on the Citadel. To see his memory, something so fundamental, something so taken for granted be taken away, well, it would scare anyone.

His son covered that fear with his temper. It broke his heart to see Kolyat so angry and to know that he only had himself to blame.

However, things between them did grow marginally easier after that.

It was then that Thane decided to take the trip to Earth. He had wanted to wait for Shepard, but it was growing more apparent by the day, that she may not be released from Alliance custody in time, if ever. It was something he wanted to see, and though he longed to share it with her, he couldn't stop living his life a second time.

His and Kolyat's trip to the desert had been... healing. The travel time to earth had been spent in stiff, stilted conversation that gradually limbered the more they worked it. It was a great improvement over the scathing remarks that had dominated their initial exchanges. Even if it was not ideal, Thane would take every painful word over a silent glare, and he would take a glare over nothing at all.

The desert itself had surpassed all of his imaginings.

When they had finally stepped off of the transport and out onto the land it was...

How do you describe it? After being raised and spending most of his life in an environment that is the complete opposite than the gods had intended for them to live in; to step out onto the land... It was a cure for a deep longing he'd never known he had. It was the soft but violent click of things sliding into their rightful place for the very first time. It was home on such a base and instinctual level.

Kolyat felt it too. He said nothing, but then he didn't have to. His thoughts and emotions were written in the startled jerk of shoulders and the tension leaving his body.

The world felt solid, firm, in a way that Kahje always felt damp and half sunk. Above all it was warm and _dry_. The ever present layer of tacky humidity clinging to his skin was stripped away in onslaught of the heat, making him feel clean and liberated.

Thane was breathing easier than he had in months, almost years.

They were allowed to explore the area, unguided, unsupervised. Hiking the plains and exploring rock formations, Thane had never enjoyed being planet side more.

At one point, Kolyat had made a comment and they even raced to see who could vault to the top of a mesa faster. He had youth, but was inexperienced and had never gone through the training Thane had to hone his body. Thane had those two advantages, but no matter how well he was feeling, his body simply couldn't move like it used to. In the end it was difficult to determine a winner. They argued about it good naturedly as they sprawled out underneath the sun an allowed Sol to infuse them with her heat, almost down to their very bones.

Thane occasionally found himself with a sharp ache for his other two loves and wanting to share this with them, but they were both out of his reach. Instead he focused on his son, and mending what he could.

It was after this trip, and one more bad attack when they had returned to the Citadel, that his son had all but begged him to go to the hospital. It was the absolute last place Thane wanted to be, but for his son, he would do anything.

And so, here he was.

"Sere Nuara? It's time for your treatment." The Asari nurse had knocked on his door before opening it. Gentle, but uninvited nonetheless. As one for whom privacy was paramount, he was still adjusting to having people come and go from his room almost at their leisure.

If nothing else, at least he was still at the point he could still rise from bed, dress himself, and perform a myriad of other small freedoms. He was not looking forward to the day when he would require assistance with the most basic of tasks.

Thane nearly couldn't suppress the involuntary shudder at the thought of another round of treatment, but he made sure he was congenial when he replied, "Thank you, I will be right there."

The nurse nodded, leaving the door open when she turned back up the hall.

Thane sighed. It was his weekly... opportunity to relive his better memories. He had fewer than most, but more still more than many. He recalled talking to Shepard about this very thing, solipsism, his words chosen to see how she would react.

At the time he'd found her unshakable, just as she had been during every previous situation he'd seen her in. From her subordinate blatantly questioning her decisions, to an asari Justicar pledging her allegiance to her, she took everything in with the same neutral face, her opinions kept to herself.

Knowing her much better now he could look back at the memory and see the faint twitching in her brows and a slight discordance in her skin tone, that she'd once explained to him was blush. Unfortunately, a shade that he could no longer see.

Shutting down his terminal, he couldn't help but check his mail once more.

'No unread messages.'


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Reaper attack on Earth.

_Thane,_

_I've tried asking, cajoling, bribing and threatening the personnel, but they won't let me send anything out, to anyone. I take it that means I won't be able to receive anything either. I hope that if you are trying to get in contact with me that you understand why I'm not responding. Know that I would if I could. In a heartbeat._

_The air vents are small here, and where there aren't steel bars there are energy barriers, and beyond that half an army. I've got plain clothes with barley any stitching, let alone a zipper or a button, toilet paper, and of course my nib of a pencil and some paper. I'm fed through a slot in the door on paper plates with no utensils. They took the data pads away when I broke one apart to tinker with because I was getting stir crazy. I don't do well being stuck in one place for long periods of time. Sniping is one thing, but aimless stillness is quite another._

_In hindsight turning myself in was so, so stupid.._

_I wonder how everyone is doing._

_I wonder how you are doing._

_How are -_

_How is-_

_Grunt has been on my mind a lot lately. I've been speculating about what he's been up to on Tuchanka, and how he's settling in to the Urdnot clan._

_I know that his Rite went as well that it could possibly go, what with us killing a thresher maw and all, but I still can't help but worry about him. The krogan were hardly welcoming,  even the ones that thought he would be an asset to their species treated him with trepidation. He's not a child to be coddled, but despite his physical maturity he's only been out of that tank less than a year._

_I would just feel better if I could check in with him, see if I needed to head-butt some bigoted assholes alongside him._

_I keep having visions of him being attacked at every turn with no one to back him up. I know, I know, that is how krogans are. If he's ever going to be at home with them, then he'll have to earn his place just like any other. I'm only afraid that he'll have to do twice as much to earn it._

_Wrex had better not be letting it too get out of hand, though, or he will never see me coming, friend or no. I could make a spectacle of it and bring along Zaheed and Jack. My three rebels all in one place. I swear half the reason I handled the krogan so well was because of the practice I had with them._

_Speaking of Jack, has anyone heard from her recently?_

_After Pragia, she seemed... aimless. Much, much calmer, but like she didn't know what to do with herself. It's probably worse now that the Collectors have been taken care of. I really wouldn't be shocked if she went on a killing spree just to try and find some equilibrium after that whole ordeal. Having your world turn upside down is awful and disorienting as everything crashes down. Turning it upright again, just makes it crash the other way._

_To be honest, I would have no idea how to even begin helping her put things to rights, I keep trying to picture all of those tattoos sitting quietly behind a desk or snapping to attention in a uniform, but my imagination isn't up to the task. I guess so long as we don't have to break her out of a max security prison again, anything she would do is fine._

_I only hope I was able to set some kind of example for her._

_These days, I'm identifying more with her younger self. She talked about pounding on the glass in her room wondering why people couldn't hear her, only to find out years later that it was a one way mirror. Ever since my last attempt to bribe a guard, they've put me into a kind of solitary. I can still see them, but my cell is soundproof and none of them even look at me._

_Normally, it wouldn't bother me, but after a week of this, I almost wish they would interrogate me just so I can have someone to talk to._

_No, I was trained for this, I can endure._

 

Thane had been making his way back to his room from physical therapy when the news broke.

His limbs trembled with fatigue while he attempted to wrestle with his frustrated feelings about how instead of becoming easier, like they should, the exercises became harder every time he performed them.

Resentment flared up as it seemed to do now, fierce and angry. He disliked these feelings of helplessness, hated the fact that he was dying when he finally had something to live for, and mourned for the life he was just starting to care about, his own.

Normally, he had better control. Thane was mostly at peace with his fate, but his emotions would occasionally run without him. He used it as a signal that he once again needed to meditate. It was no coincidence that these outbursts seemed to happen most frequently after his daily exercise routine. He scheduled his time to see Kolyat with great care. His son didn't need to be subjected to these lapses.

His route back to long term care took him past one of the waiting areas.

Typically, waiting rooms were something to be ignored. The restless silence uninteresting as the inhabitants pointedly ignored each other with news vids droning on in the background. The slight chance he might be recognized was another reason to avoid them.

Today, however, his attention was caught. He was pulled into the room before he even realized what was happening.

The silence was absolute, save for the news feed which sounded louder than usual without the general noise of small conversations and industrious work. Everyone's attention was focused solely on the screens.

Thane stopped.

Scenes of a smoking green and blue planet seared into his memory. He saw bright energy rays cutting through miles of civilization like they weren't even there. Pictures of colossal constructs were shown again and again. Dread spread though him like a disease.

"-attack on Palaven.  We have also received reports that the so-called Reapers have invaded Earth, the human home world. Communications have been inconsistent as each planet has been conducting emergency evacuations. Specialists speculate-"

Shepard.

In that moment Thane's mind was pushed aside as his body moved to his room at a clip that wasn't quite a run, caring not for the fact that it was exhausted. His mind was too busy skipping between memories to do more than take note of the people he slid between like a shadow. It took an age for him to get to the correct floor and logged on to the extranet.

There was nothing. His inbox was just as empty of messages as yesterday, the day before, and the day they took her into custody.

He couldn't help how his heart fell at that. Her absence had been a slowly leaking wound, one that he could staunch, but would give him trouble if he stopped tending to it.

_Thane, no matter what happens, know that I love you._

Her final words to him when she dropped him off at the Citadel before heading to Earth.

For all that he wanted to see her once more before he died, Thane had done his best to prepare himself for death and that his final wish may not come to pass. All his attempts to contact her, the goodbyes stored in the bottom drawer of his desk, they had all been in preparation for _his_ passing. Thane had never considered, even with all that they had faced, that she could possibly be the one to die first.

"Siha," he whispered to himself. Desperately, he tried not to superimpose the grainy news footage of the attack over an impenetrable building where she was forcibly trapped and unarmed. He could, of course, recall with perfect clarity the feeling of her strong muscles underneath his body, her soft, smooth skin sliding under his touch, and all too easily he could see it limp and broken. He'd killed humans before. It was difficult to stop his mind for imagining her that way.

Images of her fed and bled into images of Irikah, bloody and desecrated on the floor and-

A soft chime called him back from the downward spiral of his thoughts.

It was Kolyat. He too had heard about earth and was expressing his concern. Shepard was a topic that they carefully circled around. Thane had expressed that Kolyat was free to ask him anything, including anything about Shepard. Kolyat knew, but hadn't ask, and they left it at that.

Now, he was tentatively asking if Thane first, had seen the news, and second if he had heard anything else beyond it, showing concern for the human woman who obviously meant something to his father.

Thane replied that he had seen the news, but had no more information than that.

He'd just been logging onto the extranet to attempt to use what hacking skills he had to see what he could find out when soft chime again, caught his attention.

There was no name, no subject matter, just a picture.

It had obviously been taken at a great distance, more than likely with an omni-tool. The image had been enlarged several times beyond what the quality of the picture could handle then filtered so the largely blurred images would make some sort of sense.

It was the Normandy. Even heavily pixilated the lines were unmistakable. The ship was hovering over a body of water, the huge black arm of a reaper in the background crushing through some buildings. It seemed as though the cargo bay door was open and there were small figures that he could only assume to be people standing below.

What caught his attention though, was the bright shock of red on the edge of the cargo ramp. The only shade of red he could actually see. That color, paired with that ship could only mean one thing. That realization gave him more relief than if he'd just been dosed with another oxygen shot.

With hands he forced to be steady he sent off another message to his son, telling him that Shepard made it off planet.

Arashu had protected her Siha. His Siha.

He also tried to send a reply to the Shadow broker telling her he appreciated the update, but the message came back as unable to deliver.

She was alive.

He had no clue as to her well being, but for now it was enough.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Missed connections. Shepard drops off Ashley at Huerta Memorial.

Chapter 3

_Thane,_

  _I need a distraction. Please, I need a distraction._

_How about Garrus and Tali? Have you heard anything about those two? Have they stopped dancing around each other yet? I think it's cute how they flirt and insist that it's all tech and programming._

_Right, programming._

_No, of course, I'm absolutely certain that is what exactly is going on. They are both so oblivious I think it's going to take something drastic to get them together._

_Do you think locking them in a closet would be enough of a hint? Or would they just think that it was a malfunction in the ship and try to fix EDI?_

_EDI would back me up, she's been listening to Joker for months and trying valiantly to develop a sense of humor. If I was more of a renegade I would probably just lie to her about how Turian and Quarian relations are greatly benefited by being locked in closets. It wouldn't even be that big a lie. I've heard about_ Fleet and Flotilla.

_Ugh, along the same lines as matchmaking, did Mordin have a talk with you before the, uh, relay? Because he did with me, and I swear he's sparing some of that crazy brain power to think of more ways to embarrass me._

_I told you about that, didn't I? He figured out our feelings for each other early on, and ambushed me with... um... "research material". Videos, Thane. I couldn't believe Mordin gave me porn. The xeno-anatomy text books would have been just fine. People can infer a lot from mapped nerve clusters, the step by step tutorial was unnecessary._

_Especially with the... well... you know. Every species has that bit that they like to exaggerate to almost physically impossible degrees._

_I'm afraid to ask, but did he do the same to you? Our first night together is a little hazy around the edges, but I don't remember anything that you did to point in one direction or the other. I swear Mordin was laughing at me the whole time he was cheerfully drowning me in information and mortification._

_Clearly, I should have come up with more project ideas. He had way too much time on his hands..._

_Guns and mods were probably never enough to keep him busy after he figured out to deflect the collectors. I hope he's doing something with Maelin's research. I could hear the pain in his voice every time he talked about the genophage. Whether or not the Krogan are cured in our lifetime, I think it would do him a lot of good to work towards it._

_Guilt is a funny thing, isn't it? How sad that it seems to be the one thing we all have in common. Everyone is searching for redemption in some form or fashion._

_I have absolutely nothing to do. It's making me think, over think, then over think some more._

_How are you feeling? You've always taken good care of yourself but I can't help but want to make sure you are doing your exercises and breathing regimens. It's silly I know, but..._

_Time here is strange, but I can still feel it slipping past me like a fist full of sand spilling from between my fingers. The harder I try to hang on, the more I seem to lose._

_It's incredibly selfish of me, but I'm afraid I won't be able to see you again before..._

_I don't know when I will be released, or even if I will be released._

_Aratoht..._

_I tried to warn them. I tried so hard, but things just kept-_

_Either way, the Batarians want my head on a pike, and I don't blame them. But I can't be sorry for delaying the Reapers, not when we are so unprepared. I doubt the extra time that it bought us is being used properly, but..._

_I don't know._

_I just don't know._

_All I know is that I miss you._

_I long for your calm, your warmth, your strength._

_I wish that I had been a little more selfish and stayed with you instead of trying to fight for a lost cause. There is no fighting to do here. No screaming can be heard in sound proof cells. So what was the point of it all?_

 

He missed her.

She'd been in the hospital, separated by a single floor and he missed her.

Casually, he inquired as to her presence and the young hospital staff was more than happy to gossip at him.

"Oh Mr. Nuara you should have seen it!" the Asari, Rayira said. If she had been more than one hundred, Thane would have been very surprised. "Commander Shepard came storming in here like something out of a vid. I guess there had been an accident with one of her people and she was furious. She nearly followed the woman all the way into surgery. Security stopped her, but only just. I thought she was going tear Galatus' fringe clean off but she was summoned by the Council."

Interesting. From the sounds of it she wouldn't have had time to talk with him, let alone had time for a reunion of any kind, but it would have done him a world of good just to be able to see her in person, even if it was from a distance.

He listened to the nurse ramble on about management's reaction to the whole incident, for a while longer before she was call away to her duties.

A surreptitious, if illegal, check found him the name of the injured party. An Alliance soldier, Lieutenant Commander Williams.

The memory flashed across his vision. Shepard, sitting up on the examination table, armor plates off and the top portion of her body suit undone, exposing a tank top underneath. Dr. Chakwas examining a wound that required a bit more than medigel.  Thane leaning against a wall as Dr. Chakwas frowned over her scanners. Shepard explaining the vitriol spewed at her by the other woman, and the loss on Virmire that probably colored the encounter as well.

The rejection had hurt her, Thane remembered. He saw it behind her eyes. However, as with a lot of things, she set it aside and moved on.

The attack on Earth must have thrown both her and Williams into working together again. He spared a moment trying to puzzle what kind of trouble they'd fought through. The girl had apparently suffered severe head trauma and damage to her spinal cord as well as internal hematomas and was immediately sent into surgery. It spoke of severe blunt force, but that could be caused by a number of scenarios.

For a brief moment, he wondered why Shepard wouldn't have at least attempted to contact him when Thane realized that she wouldn't know where he was. None of his messages had ever reached her. He also realized that his best chance of meeting her would be when she came to visit the soldier. She always, always checked in on her crew, no matter their behavior.

Six months with no contact was enough to seed some quiet doubt into Thane. He could rationalize all he wanted, but it was a long time, and the few short months of their acknowledged relationship might not be enough to withstand the separation. His feelings certainly hadn't changed, but he had no idea what she had been through and didn't want to make her feel obligated to him. Especially since he knew he didn't have many good days left.

The ending stages of Kepral's syndrome could last long months, the record had been a year. Call it pride, call it vanity, call it what you will, but he didn't want her last memories to be of him in that condition. Especially now, with the arrival of the Reapers. The galaxy would need her, and she would need the best, which he no longer was.

Earth and Palavan. The Reapers strategy was obvious to him, hit the home worlds of the two species with the largest and most organized forces. They were best chance the galaxy had of fighting back in a rapid and effective response. Thane sensed they would probably target the Salarians next, the best chance the galaxy had of developing technology to fight them, then Thessia because of sheer numbers, followed by clean up of the rest of the races.

It was a grim picture, and while not absolute, it was what made the most sense. The races would need Shepard, now more than ever, and he didn't want to be holding her back. Thane may want her, and even need her, but who was he, a single drell, in the face of billions?

He was selfish, though. Ruefully he sent a message to the Normandy, telling her where he was staying and the false name he was staying under.

He was selfish in wanting a family despite his vocation. He was selfish in keeping his vocation, instead of finding something safer for the sake of his family. He was selfish in his revenge and leaving his son. Then he was selfish in wanting his son back, knowing he didn't deserve him. At the end of his life, he couldn't be anything else, he wanted Shepard too.

Thane had just sent off the missive when there was a knock at the door.

"Enter," he called. The door slid open with a soft hiss to admit Kolyat. His posture was stiff, despite making an obvious effort to relax. Thane softened at the sight of him. The artificial light pulled Irika's bluer coloring out from skin, but Thane's own grey eyes stared back at him.

Thane smiled, making no attempt to hide his pleasure at seeing his son. "Hello, Kolyat."

"How are you feeling today?" he asked, stepping into the room and taking a seat in one of the guest chairs.

"A bit light headed, but otherwise it has been a good day." he replied.

"Good." Kolyat said. Then his gaze dropped to the floor where it rested for a bit. Thane let the silence settle as it seemed Kolyat was trying to work up to something. When he did, he blurted out, "I heard the Commander was on the Citadel."

Ah.

"Yes, she was," he confirmed.

"Did she-" he paused, then fidgeted. "Did she stop by?"

Thane leaned back in his chair and replied softly. "No."

A distant part of Thane's mind noted that it was good Kolyat was turning away from the path of an assassin. He did not have the training or the control required to be truly successful. All of his reactions were easily read.

Kolyat's second set of lids blinked, a flash of milky white, betraying his surprise. Then his jaw set, anger on Thane's behalf.

Before his emotions could progress much further Thane eased them.

"She didn't know I was here." He assured. "And was then almost immediately recalled by the Council and sent back out on a mission. I've sent her a message, and I'm sure I'll hear back as soon as she is able to respond."

Something in Kolyat eased, but he still seemed a unsettled.

"How is your work?" Thane asked instead.

Kolyat sighed. "It's going well, if not particularly glamorous. The pay is abysmal, but I've found acceptable lodging that is within my budget."

"I'm glad," Thane offered. "If there is anything I can do, please just ask."

Anger once again flashed across his son's face, this time it was directed at him. The first time he had offered, it had sparked a wild fire of a fight. Kolyat rightly threw out accusations of if Thane had wanted to help, where had he been ten years ago? It ended with him stomping out across Thane's broken heart and equally broken apologies. Apparently he was still harboring resentment, but was trying his best to move past it. Their trip to New Mexico had helped immensely.

Kolyat took a deep breath. "Thank you, but you were right in that I need to turn my life around, and I feel like this is something I must do on my own."

"Admirable." He said, letting pride suffuse his voice. His son looked torn between glad he earned his approval and wanting to reject it.

Thane smoothly transitioned onto other topics that were far less thorny.

He asked Kolyat about his cousins and their families on Kahje. It sounded as though they were all in good health and doing well in their chosen professions. Aleza, Irikah's sister called Kolyat often now that he would answer them. Thane hadn't talked to her in many years, and probably never would again, but he was glad to hear she and her partner were doing well.

The conversation organically transitioned to Irikah herself. They lingered on the good memories of her, which, there were more than Thane and even Kolyat had first thought before that last year of her life. They had been buried deep, but resurfaced willingly enough, when they allowed them to.

Irikah's smiles as her terrible singing filled the kitchen. Her love of spicy food that led to more than one debacle when it came to feeding neighbors and friends. How stern she was, but how full of joy too in those early days.

Thane and Kolyat managed to smile and even laugh as they passed memories back and forth.

It was darkening outside as the station shifted towards its night cycle, and Kolyat had work the next day. They made plans to meet in the restaurant attached to the hospital, and they both stood as Kolyat turned to leave. Thane was so grateful, so glad that he had the opportunity for this before his passing. His son hovered near the door.

Again it seemed as though he was trying to gather his courage, and again, Thane gave him the space to do so.

He was stunned when he found his arms full of his son. The embrace was hard enough to knock most of the wind from him, but he didn't care. He gripped his child, holding him close and burying his face in the cradle of his neck and shoulders. It was the first time he'd held his son in so very long.

There was trembling, he didn't know from whom it originated, but he suspected it didn't matter. He could feel tears trickle down his face, and was startled when he felt them on his shoulder.

Thane's mind flashed to the day Kolyat had been born. Irikah presenting him, tired but proud. Holding him, so small, in his large hands, being at once elated and terrified that he was responsible for this flicker of life. Kolyat shrieking with laughter as they danced in the rain, begging to be lifted and thrown.

His son.

Thane could have easily stood there for the rest of his life, but a sharp inhale rattled in his chest wrong and he had to break the embrace in reflexive coughing.  Kolyat wiped his eyes and cleared his throat, looking around the room for some water, which Thane drank readily when found.

He settled a hand on Kolyat's shoulder as his chest calmed, loath to give up contact with him so easily. Kolyat's hand settled over his own and guided him over to a chair for him to sit.

"Get some rest, Father." he said. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Of course," he agreed. "Have a pleasant night."

"And you as well." He replied, patting his hand before he pulled away. Kolyat walked to the door, but hesitated at the threshold.

"Father?"

"Yes?"

"I-," his dual tones growled a bit in frustration as he struggled with his words. "I... I wish you happiness, in whatever form that it may take."

It took Thane a mere moment to work out what he was saying, and when he did, he softened further. "Thank you, Kolyat. I hope you know, that is all I have ever wished for you as well."

Kolyat cleared his throat again, nodded in acknowledgement, and ducked out the door without another word.


	4. Chapter 4: Minor Interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Facing your demons is never easy, especially when you're locked in a room with them.

_Thane,_

_I keep going through those meditation exercises that you showed me, well- I keep trying to go through them at any rate. It isn't like there's much to do here. This room is too small for me to really move in. So, meditation._

_It's difficult. I've a whole new appreciation for your patience, because trying to get my mind to  clear is probably the hardest thing I've ever tried to do. That includes N7 training and survived a suicide mission._

_How do you do it? All the while I'm sitting here and my thoughts decide to spike in every direction. I feel like Joker when EDI decided to mess with his readings. They come from nowhere then spiral and jump around like a pyjak in a game of keep away. I've tried letting myself focus on one thing instead of trying to force myself to focus on nothing, but I can't even do that. It's almost like-_

_How do I put this..._

_We humans have sayings about the darker parts of our natures. We call them demons. We call them ghosts. As if our past actions are separate entities in and of themselves, like our decisions were sentient and they somehow performed themselves without our permission. Now that I think about it, it's similar to how you view the body and mind as distinct from each other, except as humans we were there and made and were active participants in our actions._

_I think we do that to try and distance ourselves. I think we wish to delude ourselves into thinking that such a decision could not possibly come from within us, we don't want to take responsibility for them._

_For me, personally, my demons come to haunt me during my meditation._

_I focus on breathing then my mind will jump to someone from the crew. Typically you, sometimes Joker or Karin since they are the physically closest to me right now. I saw them briefly at processing. Then my thoughts will skip to the others._

_Kasumi, and whether or not I should hire someone to steal that greybox I just know she is living in right now. It would never succeed, but it would maybe serve as a wake-up call._

_The Cerberus crew and how they are faring on the fast and hard run from the Illusive Man, Miranda and Jacob at their helm._

_My rebels._

_Samara._

_Then my own mother, and how she was so different from the Justicar. With her mischievous games and fierce temper. My father always said I learned that from her._

_My father._

_Their bodies on Mindoir._

_My house up in flames._

_Ducking behind one of the silos, leaving behind Tanya, my best friend, because she was too slow and I was too scared. I didn't want to be taken. We had heard the stories. My god, I still can't believe I did that. I don't want to believe I did that. But I did._

_The early days of the foster system and how I could have gotten into a lot of trouble if I weren't very, very lucky._

_The military academy._

_N4 training. Fuck I'd never been so miserable in my life. That is, until Akuze decided to replace Mindoir as the front for my nightmares._

_I fight so hard now, to save every one that I can. I kill so many to do it though. It never feels like enough. I never feel like there is a balance. It'll probably take something like saving the universe. Even then I'm not so sure, after all I've already kind of done it once._

_Thane..._

_I-_

_Time is getting weird. I can't tell if it's speeding up or slowing down. I swear they have the lights on a varying schedule._

_They taught all of this during N training, how to withstand solitary along with a myriad of other types of interrogation, but the main thing they told us to cling to doesn't serve me here. They always said to trust that someone was coming for us, that we would get out. But my own people are the ones doing this to me. All of you are scattered among the stars, as you should be. But that means... there is no one coming for me._

_Thane,_

_I'm... I'm not doing well. The stillness, the monotony. There isn't even enough room to_ breathe. _I feel trapped and exposed at the same time and it is wreaking havoc on my instincts. There is too much time to myself and no one will talk to me. I haven't been taken out for a debriefing in a few weeks now, maybe a month, I don't know, nor have I been taken before a tribunal._

_Hell, I'd take a fully invasive medical examination just for some_ fucking _contact._

_No one is coming for me. No one can, and those who can never want me out of here again because I am a liability, a stain-_

_We humans do not have the perfect memory that the drell possess, but we do have some memories that stand out in perfect clarity no matter how far we are from them, sometimes they are good, but most of the time they are not._

_God , I was trained for this. I was trained to withstand this. Why is so_ fucking different _because of who is doing it to me?_

_My memories are coming for me with a vengeance. All I hear are screams in this silence. There are so many. Mindoir. Akuze. The Skyllian Blitz. Virmire. The Citadel. Omega. The screams and moans of the dying, all that changes is the tenor of them. Women, children, men. Fire, bullets, or disease._

_I swear-_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Has anyone ever looked up the effects of extended solitary confinement? It is amazing how quickly the psyche deteriorates when you are alone with absolutely no human contact. People who are creative or trained can withstand it longer, but it is intense enough to be considered a form of torture. Neglect is a bitch.
> 
> I'm taking a lot of liberties with the military judicial system here, but I could see them locking her up while they tried to deal with the political fallout with what was left of the Batarians. Orders given, then people so busy dealing with the consequences of her actions they forget about Shepard, herself. At least for a while. *Shrugs* Like I said, liberties.
> 
> Facing personal demons is hard and ugly, and that's when you chose to, let alone being forced with hours upon hours of nothing but self reflection.
> 
> Thank you for hanging in there my lovelies! I swear the next chapter has what we all have been waiting for.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Together again.

_Thane,_

_Sorry about the shaky writing. I managed to break my wrist in a completely proofed room. Yeah, only me, right? Chakwas would cry at the thought that I was being in any way shape or form like Joker._

_They moved me out of solitary, finally.  Someone decided it wasn't good for me. Three months though, longer than I thought. I'm sorry to say my attempts at meditation fell short as always. They've moved me to some kind of apartment? Cell? I'm guessing this is where the brass goes when they get in trouble for sleeping with the wrong secretary aid._

_I have been relieved of duty, but they won't let me leave the base. I'm thinking it's some kind of house arrest._

_I supposedly don't have to worry about escorts, but there seem to be the same set of people just casually hanging out wherever I am. One in particular. One James Vega. He's a good kid, about the size and shape of a Mako. He's got a bit of a mouth and the lousiest poker face in the sol system, but he's a good kid. We don't talk much outside of cards, then again, people aren't supposed to be cuddly with prisoners. Even if that prisoner has a long leash._

_What are you up to today?_

_I don't think I've said yet, but I make up stories about you, to pass the time. I think of outings you might take places you might go. I try to picture what you life is like now. I guess the fact that I'm writing this down means that I've accepted these will never make it to you._

_I'm still debating on actually telling you all of this when I see you again, but if I do, I'm sure they would make you laugh or perhaps smile in incredulity._

_And I will see you again. That is something I refuse to give up on._

_The fantasy of today is a villa in the middle of the Mojave. I can just picture you baking on a rock, the sun illuminating all of the tones of your skin in perfect traceable clarity, content, relaxed, and breathing easier than you have in months._

_I can almost feel your chest beneath my cheek, almost hear your heart beat steady and strong. I love your calm, it's contagious. It helps me center and gets the different pieces of me, all pulling in different directions, to agree on a single path on which to move forward._

_With all that open space we would pull out the sniper rifles and have contests picking out innocuous cacti or tumbleweeds as our targets. I would definitely be trying to distract you, and it probably wouldn't work. Then you would definitely try to distract me and it probably would._

_I'll bet I could get you into a Hawaiian shirt. Light, huge, billowy, and above all colorful. Colorful to the point that they probably say something rude to the hanar in their luminescence. You would have to tell me if they did._

_Speaking of language, I could just listen to you talk for days and days. I should have recorded some of those conversations we had on the Normandy just so I could have them now._

_Could you give me lessons in.. I feel horrible, I don't even know the name of your native language. We'll have to fix that. I demand lessons, and I'm an auditory learner, so you'd better have some water and tea on standby because you are going to be talking a lot Sere Krios._

_I hope you are in good health, wherever you are. I hope you are happy._

Thane was wholly and inexplicably nervous.

More nervous, in fact, than he'd been on his wedding day. He knew, he'd just recently relived the memory.

Shepard was back on the station. He'd never received a reply to his message, but then he had heard that the Normandy was sent to Palaven, rumors were to pick up the Primarch. He doubted that was an easy task that allowed for a lot of free time. But now she was back. No one could stop talking about how the new Primarch was rescued and seen storming towards the Turian's Councilman's office.

She was here.

He sat, trying to breathe. He was divided, cleanly in two. Exactly half of him wanted to vanish from the hospital crawling through the Citadel until he found her. Exactly half of him wanted to never see her again so he would have nothing but good memories of their time together to cherish. Meditation did the opposite of its intended purpose. Instead of  helping him decide on a course of action it only made the internal divide clearer, and made him restless when he couldn't decide on one or the other.

With a slap of his hand to the floor, he gave it up for a lost cause. Needing movement to work off his nerves, he heaved himself up and headed down to one of the exercise rooms. The one off to the side of the main entrance that had a clear view of those coming into the building.

He stretched and warmed up, taking a little extra care since his extremities were in that tingling mid way point between numb and fully functioning.

Thane started to work through some old training forms, adjusting some of the more advanced sequences to account for his weakness. Part of what makes someone a master of their craft is the ability to adapt to various limitations, knowing how to work with, through, or around them. Thane's abilities varied drastically from day to day. Even though he was officially retired now, it went against his ingrained instincts to not know exactly what was going on with his body.

He snapped out a punch and frowned when something in his elbow tweaked unpleasantly.

Finishing the form, Thane went back to that front jab. One of his radial tendons. He took some time to stretch it out then snapped the punch again.

Better.

So focused was he on what was happening internally, that he very nearly missed her again.

But he didn't.

Time slipped from him, just a handful of seconds, but he didn't care, because she was suddenly before him. She was close enough to touch, whole and here in the flesh. He ached.

Thane found he couldn't help himself. His words nearly tumbled over each other "Siha, I heard Earth was under attack. I hadn't known if you had made it out-"

"Thane." She said. The sound of his name on her lips stopped his words. Shepard looked as if she didn't hear what he was saying, there was a soft smile in her bright eyes. Irikah had sunset eyes. Shepard had eyes like the sea. "It's been too long. I was beginning to worry I would never see you again."

He... felt the same way. More than mere worry reflected in her body language and it caused him to hope. Shepard reached out for him and he met her half way. Her hands trailed over his. The numbness made it difficult to feel her fingers so light on his skin, but he took the gesture in stride, grasping at her trailing fingers.

"I sent you a few messages while you were incarcerated but I suspect they never made it past the guards." Shepard huffed and an unfamiliar expression crossed her face. Finally he asked, "What are you doing here?"

"I'm visiting a friend, Ashley. She got hurt protecting me." Thane suppressed a smile. Making rounds, taking care of her crew, no matter where they were.

"The dark haired human in intensive care, we've spoken. She's quite the poet." he offered.

"Yeah, that's Ashley all the way." Shepard seemed fond. Thane noticed they were in the middle of the hallway. Taking her hand he led them out of the way, by a window looking out over the Prisidium.

"She seems very honorable. I will protect her in your absence." He offered as they came to a halt.

"Thank you." Her eyes were searching his face, but he wasn't sure what they were searching for.

"I'm near the end of my life, it is a good time to be generous." Silence stepped between them, conversation pausing while Thane tried to grasp for something else to say.

"I have only a few loves left-hmm."

Her lips were cool and soft against his. It was like sinking between cool sheets to rest after a long day. Pure relief and comfort even as tiny shivers raced though his skin. That pesky wound from her absence that he'd been fighting these last six months, healed as he pulled her close within the circle of his arms. She lingered for a moment longer, softly nipping at his bottom lip before leaning back.

"I also came here to see you." All of his nerves and all of his doubts simply washed away, poor sand castles beneath the waves. He could feel a boyish smile overtake his face, and he made no move to control it.

"Well, I see you want to make up for lost time." He was so happy but- "I should warn you, you may not want your last memories of me to be in this hospital. Kepral's syndrome is... not kind."

"Thane," she stopped him, her hand coming to rest higher on his arms this time. "I've already lost so much time with you. I refuse to lose any more than I have to."

"That's... good to hear," he said with a little more relief than he'd meant to portray. His hands idly ran up and down her back, soothing her and his nerves in the same motion.

"Is it alright to check you out of here for a while? If you can't leave I understand, but I'd like to take you somewhere."

"I can have a temporary discharge for up to twenty-four hours. The nurses allow me to go out with Kolyat. I just have to be back in time for my treatment tomorrow morning." He assured her.

"Good. That's good." Shepard checked her watch cocking a brow when she saw the time. Looking back up at him she said, "Let me go check up on Ashley and send off a couple of messages, then I'm solely and completely yours until tomorrow at o'eight hundred. That is, unless you had other things already planned...?"

She had started off confident, then seemed to hesitate after she realized the assumption she was making. They were quite the pair. Thane had to chuckle a little.

"Time for me is short, Siha, but as always, any I have is yours to take." This time, he was the one to lean in and kiss her. She bowed enthusiastically beneath him, more than was strictly appropriate in a public setting, but Thane found himself not caring at all.

Nearly silent moans escaped her as her hands tried to slide in his jacket and get beneath his shirt. Contact with his skin seemed to be what pulled her awareness back to her as she reluctantly stepped back. He could tell she didn't want to by the way she couldn't quite let go.

With a tone far more mild than he felt, Thane suggested, "Perhaps it would be best to finish your errands before we... become reacquainted with one another."

His choice of words startled a brief but bright laugh out of her.

"Yes, that would be best." she replied. With all the speed of a trained warrior she darted in to steal one last kiss before turning to dash down the hall. She called back to him, "Meet me in the front courtyard in forty, and bring a bag!"

Thane chuckled again. Her energy lifted his soul in a way no other had.

Basking in the feeling for only a moment more, Thane then went to a nurse's station to see about getting a temporary discharge. They were more than willing to oblige after he filled out half a dozen forms. Just as he signed the last of them, he noticed he had enough time to run up and grab that change of clothes before he was supposed to meet with her.

An overnight bag was quickly thrown together, and meds were pressed into his hands by staff with knowing smiles. He raised a brow at them before heading out to the courtyard Shepard had mentioned.

When he arrived, she was already there, sitting at a bench that faced a fountain in the middle of the space. To anyone else she would have seemed calm, but even from a distance Thane could see the small fidgets that betrayed her restlessness. Shepard, was never still. Well, never still without reason. He smirked at a flash of a memory.

She stood when she saw him approach, and reached for him when he came closer.

Thane wrapped her in his arms, careful to tuck her head on his shoulder rather than his chest and just held her for a long minute, breathing her in. She smelled like soap with just a hint of a metal tang from the cybernetics. Her hands rested on his lower back and she nuzzled carefully into the soft side of his neck.

He sighed, pure contentment. "I've missed you, Shepard."

She let out a shuddering breath and leaned against him more, letting him support her. "I've missed you too, Thane."

~

Thane's smile was wry when he found they were walking towards a hotel. He didn't know why he was expecting the Normandy, but part of him had been.

They checked in with the volus at the front desk, Shepard already having set up a reservation. He passed them a set of keys and directed them towards the elevators. They thanked him as they headed toward the sleek doors.

"How are you and Kolyat doing these days?" she asked as the doors hissed behind them.

"We are doing better." His joy was in his subvocals and he knew she would hear it. "It is hard for him, turning toward a better path, but we talk on almost a daily basis and he visits often."

"Good, I'm glad."

The elevator hissed open as it deposited them on their floor. The room was perfect. Security, while not state of the art, was acceptable. The air vents were small, about the span of a hand. The window was made from tempered glass that would take a rocket launcher to break through, and there were heavy blinds they could pull down as to not leave themselves exposed. Thane appreciated the precautions.

Shepard had rented a suite. There was a living area with a couch in front of an entertainment center, a kitchenette off to the side, and a large bed at the back of the room, sectioned off from the rest of the space. There was a door that he assumed led to the bathroom, but that wasn't something he necessarily cared about at the moment.

While Thane stowed his bag, and laid out his medications to take later, Shepard settled on the couch. Her eyes followed him everywhere, but he didn't mind. He knew she was cataloguing any changes with him, monitoring his condition and reading his body language checking to make sure he was well. He knew, because he did the same with her.

Their time apart had not been kind.

She had lost muscle, which meant they had kept her confined and not allowed her the exercise he knew she would have needed and craved. There were bags under her eyes and lines forming on her face that hadn't been there six months ago. They spoke of prolonged stress and a lack of sleep that went on longer than the last week or so since Earth had been attacked. Her hair, while still a brilliant red, had lost its shine and hung limp on her shoulders telling him her nutrition had been neglected as well.

Had he been younger, he would have been angry and full of desire for retribution against those who harmed her. Wiser now than he had been, Thane knew that retribution wasn't what was needed here. He would provide a safe harbor, such as it was from a dying drell.

The timing was wrong, to ask her about her experience while being held for war crimes, no matter how well intentioned the questions would be.

Instead, he peeled off his jacket as he joined her on the couch. He reached out a hand towards her, again wanting that physical reassurance that she was here with him. It had been a long six months.

"Please, don't ever let me do something that stupid again." She threaded her fingers through his and laid a head on his shoulder.

"I will do my best, Siha."

"We lost so much time..." she trailed off. Thane wasn't certain she was referring to just them.

"Do not focus on the time that was lost," he rubbed circles onto her palm. "Nor focus on the time remaining, just focus on now." On me.

Shepard buried her face in his shoulder. Thane angled himself to make it more comfortable for her. Admittedly he was having a hard time reading her mood. There had been happiness and eagerness before, but a sort of melancholy had seemed to have fallen over them.

Today, there was little space for those feelings. Not when she was alive and fighting, not when she had all but ran to him when she saw him again. Today was a day for joy. So, Thane set out to lighten her mood.

He trailed his fingers along her arms following up to her shoulders then down to her sides. At first he used the lightest of pressure, but gradually added more until it was perfect. Little known fact: Commander Shepard, Survivor, Defeater of the Collectors, Savior of the Citadel, Killer of Thresher Maws, Destroyer of Worlds, was ticklish.

Valiantly she resisted his initial passes, becoming utterly still as a primary defense. It wasn't long though, before she was twitching and arresting his hands.

She raised a brow at him, trying to smother a smile. "Why Sere Krios, are you trying to start something?"

He looked at her with all the seriousness of an assassin. "Of course not, Commander. There was no trying involved."

Her little huff of disbelief turned into a snort. Then Thane suddenly found himself with an arm full of Commander.

She kissed him with all the fierce but conscious passion she brought to her missions and he loved it. Her fire, her life spread from her lips and through his body, calling him and waking him further. He answered with precision and focus, seeking out every hidden pleasure he could draw forward.

Thane nipped at the spot where her jaw met her ear and then she was no longer content with their current position. Straddling his lap, she towered over him and began to attack his shirt. He acquiesced the silent demand and shed it, sliding down on the cushions after he did so to allow their lower halves to meet in such splendid ways.

"I should warn you," he groaned as she gave retaliatory nips along his jaw, "my cardiovascular system isn't-"

She cut him off by grinding down hard on his lap, nearly making him choke under the sudden sensations. A shudder ran through him and his eyes shut as he surrendered to her ministrations. Shepard gave him but an instant to collect himself.

"You were saying something?" She said with an absolutely wicked grin. He reached up a hand and tugged off the band holding back her hair, allowing the red to spill around her face. It amazed him just how much he loved her. How much he was capable of loving her.

"It is worth repeating. I _missed_ you, Shepard." Her eyes softened and she pressed a kiss into the palm of his hand as it brushed her face. She leaned forward capturing his lips.

And then she pinched him, which deserved nothing less than retaliation. He thrust up against her, drawing a small moan from that normally controlled voice. They were fools, the both of them, and they grinned like ones. Fools in love.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's bittersweet. The morning after, then the rest of the morning after.

_Thane,_

_It's raining here. But then it's Portland. It's always raining here, or at least that's what it feel like. After years being on ships and space stations I tend to forget about some things that are natural. Like oh say, weather. I haven't really had to live with it outside the couple of hours a mission takes planet side._

_I get all the coffee I can drink, but weather like this makes me wish for a hot bath. I can't remember the last time I had an opportunity for a good hot soak. Illium was probably the last chance, but we were so busy there was never time. The closest I get to that here is the therapy pool at the gym. Surrounded by dozens of other soldiers, it simply isn't the same._

_Wine sounds good. Or whiskey. Something to sip at and warm me from the inside while the water works it's magic on my muscles.  Between the two I would be warm down to my bones._

_Though the temperature is regulated, I feel cold. I've felt it ever since I've returned to Earth. I think I might have some idea now about how you felt on the Normandy. It's never quite right, is it?_

_I wonder how selfish I actually am._

_A part of me hopes that you are still alive when I'm finally able to move freely and get back to you. Most of me hopes that you aren't suffering, and that if you are, it doesn't last. That your end is quick and painless. Yet that tiny piece doesn't care. That tiny part hopes that you are hanging even by the slightest thread so I will have one more chance to kiss you. One more chance to tell you I love you. One more chance to hear Siha from your lips._

_And if I'm being completely honest, I'm hoping for your forgiveness for leaving you in the first place._

_Turning myself in was almost a complete waste of time. The only thing it accomplished was to keep be from being hunted by both the Batarians and the Alliance. I dearly wish I had done something different. That I had dropped off everyone and absconded with you. Even on the run I feel like I would have been so much happier._

_I guess there are decisions we make that we all have to live with._

_Fuck it._

_You'd better still be there Thane. That's an order._

_I don't know what I'll do if you're not._

 

Thane woke with absolutely not feeling form the left side of neck down. Panic struck him for a single moment before red caught on the edge of his visual field.

Ah, Shepard.

Pressing a soft kiss to her forehead, he carefully readjusted her to allow his blood flow to return at least some feeling to his limbs. She murmured but didn't wake. They found out after that first time that the same chemicals that caused her very minor hallucinations from their coupling, also sent her into a deeper sleep. He wanted her to be able to sleep as long as possible.

Once the numbness turned to painful tingles, he deemed it good enough. Carefully extracting himself from her grip, he slid out of bed. Only to barely catch himself on the nightstand when his muscles didn't fire properly. He took a breath to steady himself. Flexing his leg from hip to knee to ankle a few times, he willed feeling back into it. When he could control the movement, he tried again.

Limping towards the main table, he snatched an oxygen shot from among his medications. At this point he could administer it blindly. Relief raced along his veins as the sharp needles pulled away from his nerves. He flexed his fingers noting that while the pain had gone away, almost none of the surface numbness had. Pressure was all he could feel.

The doctor had said it would only get worse. It looked like worse was creeping up on him, a hunter sure of prey. With meticulous precision he shook out the rest of his medication and swallowed the pills dry.

That chore done he glanced at the clock.

It had been an early night for them last night, despite their recreational activities, and thus it was far earlier than he was expecting. The thought of breakfast crossed his mind.

Looking towards the kitchenette, flexing his hand, he finally decided to reach for the in suite phone instead, taking it into the bathroom with him.

"Good morning, how can I help you?" Came the chipper voice of the front desk clerk.

"Good morning." He replied. "I will need two meals sent up to room 323 in about three hours."

"Of course sir, what kind of breakfasts?"

"Two levo-meals, human if at all possible."

"All right," he could hear the faint beeping as she inputted the information. "That will be done, is there anything more we can do for you?"

"Thank you, no that is all." They signed off and he replaced the phone.

There was nothing more he wanted to do than to crawl back into bed with his love. So that is what he did.

As he curled up behind her, the dim light from the signs outside dappled over her skin, light on the water. Thane wrapped an arm over her hips and sliding an arm into the hollow of her neck, reveling in the slightly humid heat of her. Shepard's only reaction was to hum and snuggled back into him.

Comfortable, he indulged himself.

Pressing his face into her hair, he trailed his fingers over her bare skin. Over her shoulder, down her arm, across her side, over her hip, then back to the top. All the little intimacies that he'd missed over the years, from being away on jobs to simply being alone, he delighted in. Over and over again.

He was fortunate, he told himself firmly, and only fortunate to be able to see her again, to hold her again. He would only be glad, and nothing else. He would not let bitterness taint their time together.

"We lost so much time." Her words from the previous day were a whispering echo in his mind.

He slid into an informal meditation with a sigh and used Shepard to ground himself. Be present. Be here. Be now. His simple mantra from the last six months worked about as well as it always did. It helped some, but not as much as he would like. It did however allow him to relax enough to slip from meditation into true sleep.

Waking was difficult. It was equivalent to slogging through a marsh to even attempt at opening his eyes. His face twitched and twitched again. It took him an abysmally long time to realize that a finger was being run lightly over his face, his cheeks, his nose.

"Thane." Shepard whispered.

Thane reached up blindly, grasping her hand and pressing a kiss to her palm. She chuckled and leaned down to nuzzle the crook of his neck.

"Thane," Shepard sung softly into his skin. "Breakfast is getting cold. I don't know if you've ever had cold eggs, but they are terrible."

His lips quirked and he obliged her by finally prying open his eyes.

"There you are." Her smile was the first thing to greet him. It was joyful, but there was also relief in the mix too. A little too much. She must have been trying to wake him for a while.

He shifted onto his back, pulling her atop him as he did so. She followed easily.

"Good morning, Siha."

"Good morning," she responded, leaning down and kissing him properly. "Thank you for ordering breakfast."

"Is it here?" He asked, leaning up to see a sleek cart had been delivered, carrying a handful of covered trays.

"You missed the attendant." She grasped his hands and pulled him up into a sitting position, then tugged him towards the table. "It looks delicious. It would be a shame to let it go to waste."

This time, he maintained his balance getting out of bed. Nary a stray needle or stumble.

Shepard sat in one of the chairs, if that was the correct term for it. One shorts clad leg was curled underneath her while the opposite knee was almost to her chest, the heel of her foot resting against the edge of the seat. Her bare arms alternating between reaching for food and gesticulating her points.

Shepard without the Commander propping her form preferred to lounge and curl. With the Commander, she was ramrod straight, hair pulled back, always professional never showing any visage that wasn't pulled together.

Her lengths of hair spilled down and around her shoulders, pulling Thane's eyes down her collar bone to the couple of marks he left there, and the slightest hint of a rash on the top of her breast. All were visible with the tank top she was wearing, but it would be covered under even her casual uniform.

Breakfast was in fact delicious, but the food was mostly ignored as he instead devoured wholeheartedly every word Shepard said. After the first few bites she launched into a detailed description of all the modifications that had been done to the Normandy. There were a long list of things she didn't like, but a couple she did.

Apparently still baffled by the aquarium in her quarters, she went off on a tangent about how she might obtain some fish. Only, she didn't know the first thing about them. What would she do about a feeding schedule? How would she get the tank clean? Well there was probably some sort of automated filtration system, but what if they ate each other?

Thane barely noticed the subject matter. The more she rambled, the more he relaxed, content to pick at his food and hold her hand. He could listen to her for days.

They finished up breakfast, and Shepard gave him a small push in the direction of the bathroom.

"You go first. I've got a couple of messages I need to send before we head out." Thane gave her a quick kiss before entering the bathroom.

He caught a look at himself in the mirror and noticed something off about his color -

And that was the last thing he remembered.

 

There were flashes.

It was as though memories were still forming, but couldn't react the rest of his mind.

Shepard was shaking his shoulder a moment before he had the vague sensation of being moved. There was a vague half drag half stumble somewhere bright.

"Come on, Thane. Stay with me."

There was someone trying to restrain him.

Thane struggled against the bonds, twisting and slithering as he'd been taught from a young age.

It wasn't working.

There were hands everywhere taking any progress as soon as he made it. Strong arming was so inelegant, but that didn't mean he couldn't do it. It took a lot of strength to snap the neck of almost every species in the galaxy.

Thane _heaved_.

Shouting. Snapping. But he was almost free when iron clamped down on his wrists and pinned them to the table. His Legs were the next to be immobilized.

"Thane!" Came a sharp hiss.

Like a band everything snapped into focus. Shepards worried eyes met his own startled ones and he stopped struggling. He was panting and so was she. His eyes darted around him.

They were back in the hospital. The nurses were hanging back, wary, but not afraid. Thankfully no one looked injured even if their equipment was scattered over the ground.

"Stand down." Shepard said. Thane was puzzled until he realized he was still tense for action, just waiting for an opportunity.

"My apologies." He said, both to her and the room at large, forcing himself to relax. Their collective breathes released when he did. The nurses began industriously picking up the equipment and prepared to reattach the leads they needed for their more specialized equipment.

"You okay?" Shepard asked, not quite getting up off of him just yet.

"Yes. I have control of myself again." She held a moment more before releasing him and climbing off the table to allow the nurses room to work.  She took a seat up by his head. Once the sensors and IV's had been replaced, she ran her fingers over his scalp. A comforting touch, for the both of them.

Thane apologized to the staff again.

"Mr. Nuara, your condition affects the oxygen flow to your brain along with the rest of your body. Because of the deprivation it caused a seizure. This is actually a fairly normal reaction." One of them assured him, running a diagnostic through her omni-tool. "We were just caught off guard by the level of strength you still posses."

"About that," Shepard gently flicked his head. "I don't want to hear any more self depreciating about your cardiovascular system."

"Strength is anaerobic." He pointed out.

"Thane? Don't start with the logic." She grumbled good naturedly. Her fingers never stopped caressing him.

The staff left the machines to run, telling them they would be back in a few minutes to check on him. They thanked them as the doors hissed shut. When they were alone, Shepard lowered her head, pressing it to Thane's.

They stayed that way for a moment, just breathing each other in.

"Stay?" she whispered, taking his hand.

"For as long as I can." He promised.

 

It was a while later when Thane realized what time it was.

"Shepard you've missed your appointment." He remembered she said that they had the night to themselves until eight.

"I rescheduled." She waved the concern away. She said, with no small amount of bitterness, "The only perk about the abject shit show that is the Reapers, is that the Council can't exactly tell me no. All that time spent denying the threat and now they're scrambling all over themselves and me."

"Politics can wait though," She changed the subject. "These... episodes... do they happen often?" She asked running fingers over and over his own. He could feel the pressure, but nothing more than that.

Thane sighed. "Not often, no."

"Is it because we - "

"No," he hurried to assure her. "Their triggers are random and unpredictable. Unfortunately I'm told they will only increase in severity and frequency. This was why Kolyat insisted on my moving here. He worries."

"Understandable." She replied. "Is there anything I can do? Either to stop them, or make them easier when they happen? I would still like to keep taking you out, but I also want you safe."

"We'll speak with the nurses. As far as I'm aware, there's no stopping them, however we might be able to ride them out on our own."

"Would you mind?" She asked, surprisingly hesitant.

"I would rather spend time with you than spend my time here. Whatever the cost for that I am willing to pay it. I just don't want to be a burden for you."

"Never." She promised him.

In the end, Shepard stayed as long as she could. Duty, though, continued to sound it's insistent call. She gave him one more kiss good-bye, the strode out the door. Quickly marching out and down the hall not, he knew, giving herself a chance to look back.

Watching her walk away sliced at him deeper than he expected.

The nurse came back in after she was gone and began to unhook and clean up all of the equipment. He asked, not really wanting to know the answer, "Why did this take longer than normal? Is there something I should be aware of?"

"Oh no, Mr. Nuara," the same Asari from earlier told him. A knowing smile graced her lips. "We just wanted to give the two of you a little more time. The machines stopped after their normal cycle even if they were still on."

He was a bit surprised and grateful. "Thank you. For your kindness."

"I was always a hopeless romantic," she winked at him. "Alright, I'm just going to double check these numbers and then we'll get you back to your room."

"Will I be permitted to walk?"

The nurse frowned a moment looking at his numbers. He let the question hang there, not asking again. She gave an exasperated exhale, turning back to him hands on her hips. "Only with an escort."

By the time Thane finally returned to his room he was exhausted and drained. These episodes always took their toll, and the walk didn't help. Sleep was all he desired, but he was drawn towards his terminal first.

It took more effort than he thought, to open a fresh message. The cursor blinked for long minutes because for the first time in a long while, he was at a loss for what to say. He ended up settling.

_Shepard, stay safe._

He waited after he sent it. He couldn't help but recall those first couple of months where he would wait for the first hour or two  until he was called away, in the end never receiving a response. She was at her ship, but she was busy. She had people to look after, important tasks to accomplish, there was no reason she -

The terminal pinged.

_For you? Always._


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A run in with Shepard and a trip to the firing range.

_Thane,_

_I've been trying to look up what I can about your culture. There doesn't seem to be a lot after the Drell were taken in by the Hanar. Some of the articles mention the Compact, but even then, there isn't much._

_I'm a bit surprised. Is it that nothing has been translated? Is it something your people left behind when you left your home world?_

_I did find a book, but is seems like your written language isn't included in a standard translation tool. Is it so rare? Annoyingly I can't down load a better version with the restriction placed on me here. I'll just have to ask you in person._

_I've also been looking into Batarian culture._

_..._

_I'm not sure why._

_I guess... hmm..._

_I guess I should know what I destroyed._

_I've no right to cast judgment on people, let alone an entire race. Fact one. Fact two: their culture is based on what I was taught to be morally wrong, bordering on evil. Fact three: it seems they were taught the same about the rest of the galaxy. These are facts._

_However, my personal opinion, which is colored by bias, is that if a sacrifice of a race was ultimately necessary. I'm glad it was them._

_I feel terrible for having to destroy the relay. It's awful thinking of all those that were killed. Mothers, children, Batarians that were probably genuinely good and only concerned with quietly living their lives._

_Their culture as a whole? I can't help but feel we're better off without them._

_The thing that mainly concerns me is I can't tell where that feeling comes from. Does it come from my upbringing? My culture? The fact that they murdered my family and my friends?_

_Earth cultures have had slaves, we've had caste systems. We've been severely isolationist. We've had our own tyrants. We can't be ones to throw stones. And yet-_

_And yet._

_I feel like I feel guilty for only some of the right reasons._

_Please, don't hate me for it? I know this is an ugly side of me, and you don't have to like it, I promise. Just, please. Don't hate me for it._

The next time he saw Shepard it was after yet another fight with Kolyat. They had been doing so well over the last couple of weeks. He guessed they were due.

He needed out, but couldn't leave the hospital. Instead he stormed outside to the courtyard, a tiny garden with benches and shallow alcoves. Memories couldn't help him when he was this angry, he could reach them but his emotions were too dissonant for him to escape into them.

Quick strides along a smooth metal path ground to a halt when he almost literally ran into Shepard. It took her a second longer than he to register who it was that almost ran into her. In that second he saw her own fury, furrowing her bow and snarling her features. It was evident that she was about to rip into him before she realized just exactly who he was.

They both stopped in surprise. Then stared. Shepard was the one to move first.

"Shooting range?"  She suggested. "I don't know about you, but I could blow off some steam. I have access to all the special Spectre gear now that I'm officially saving the galaxy."

A knot or two in his shoulders loosened. Even though he'd been shocked momentarily out of his mood, it would take more than that to banish it completely.

"That sounds perfect." He told her.

And so it was. There were indoor ranges scattered in the Citadel, but none that were this extensive. There was the typical range out to about fifty yards used for handguns, then a simulator program for anything longer. They also had access to sample guns from the entire Spectre line and all the ammo they could possibly need.

The first fifteen minutes or so, they spent running through all of the pistols and subcompact machine guns. Methodically destroying the targets one deliberate inch at a time did wonders for them both.

Surrounded by the faintly sulfuric smell of gun oil and spent heat sinks, they both relaxed enough to engage in a friendly competition. For the long ranges required by the sniper rifles they had to move over to the simulator. Thanks to technology it wasn't too dissimilar form live fire.

Shepard would set up a shot and take it. Then he would attempt to best her. After that, the variables would change. It was cold shots only, no practice.

While programming the variables took some of the shot calculations out, the real skill was adjusting for them. Most good scopes took read outs of wind speed and atmospheric density anyway.

For single targets, Thane was the better marksman, as that had been his profession. For multiple targets, Shepard was the one who excelled, as that had been hers. It was a while of this back and forth before Shepard decided to fight dirty.

This was not out of character for her. As an N7 and a Spectre, her orders were to get the job done and come out alive, whatever it took.

As such, it was around the fifth scenario or so when Thane felt a feather touch along a particularly sensitive patch on the back of his neck. Already locked in on his shot, he pulled the trigger and fired. The shot sank true, killing the virtual target.

Standing up with his rifle, he slowly raised a brow at Shepard, not believing her decidedly innocent grin for a moment.

Hmmm.

They reprogrammed a different set of variables, and it was her turn to set up on the floor.

Thane stared openly while she adjusted the scope and her grip on the Widow, debating. When her shoulders settled and she sank further into the mat, Thane decided to move.

It was nothing, really. Just a light trailing up her calf that had been exposed by her shifting back and repositioning on the mat.

Shepard fired.

The shot still managed to hit the target. Barely. It certainly wasn't a neat kill.

Thane felt himself smile.

There was another hour of this touching-flirting-banter that finally sent them back to the hotel. Terrible mood long forgotten.

Changing into swim pieces provided by the hotel, they headed down to the sauna. They laid down a couple of towels and propped up their feet, letting the heat beat into them. Shepard by far preferred baths, he knew, but his lungs couldn't take the extra moisture, so the sauna was their compromise. Warm enough for them both and dry enough for him.

"Are you feeling better?" she asked, twisting her hair into a bun high on her head.

"Much." He said, stretching out his arms before leaning back, letting the wooden wall support him.

"Good." She leaned back, slowly rolling her head from side to side. Her eyes were closed. "Do you want to talk about it?"

It was just a question, and her tone said as much. He could choose to answer or choose to ignore it and she would respect him either way.

Thane sighed. "Kolyat and I had a fight."

Her eyes opened, broadcasting sympathy. "What about?"

The rocks in the center of the room glowed, light shining off of them. The light itself was grey, informing him the color was probably a deep red. The kind of grey he saw on some of the mountain sides in New Mexico. He allowed himself a brief moment to recall the content he and his son had found there before answering her.

"There is a new experimental treatment, our argument was about whether or not I should take it."

"Ah," she said, carefully neutral.

"There's a Salarian scientist that has been making some progress, but most of his results are in the earliest stages of Kepral's Syndrome. My illness has progressed too far for it to do me any good. My son disagrees."

"Are there any side effects to the treatment?"

"A number of them. The reason it works well in the early stages is because it has less chance that it will backfire. Also, if a backlash occurs it is less detrimental to the patient. However, at this stage it could well send me into shock with little potential to come out of it. Kolyat accuses me of giving up."

"Oh Thane." Drell pick up on auditory cues just as much if not more so than visual. Because of that he was able to hear the vast range of emotions in those two simple words. Grief, for him and for Kolyat, pain at the thought of losing him, empathy because she knew just how much that had to hurt him. It was all there.

He gave her a small gentle smile. "It was a fight, that was all. How about you? What poor being wound up on your... what was it? Potential-targets-if-I-ever-go-rogue list?"

Just the thought took from grief to fury quick enough to startle him, though she did spare a sharp expression for the reference.

"I love that list. I printed it out and it's on my wall in my cabin."  She was already flushed from the heat, it dotted her cheeks and with her anger, spread further down her neck. Her fists were clenched. Thane wasn't sure she was aware she had done so.

"Wrex is being difficult. Victus is being difficult. The Asari councilor is refusing aid beyond a token contribution of a handful of scientists. The Salarian Dalatrass is trying to blackmail me. On top of it all I got a distress call from Grissom Academy and when I go and _save a station full of children_ , they all wonder where I am on their various assignments that they'd 'really appreciate' it if I would complete them. They'd be able to help Earth sooo much more if only this were done."

Sweat that had been beading at her brow ran along her temple, over her cheek bones to the hollow of her throat. "They all have their reasons, and most of them are perfectly valid. It doesn't make me want to shoot them any less.

"They bicker and fight and backstab, then when the politics are no longer going their way, they expect me to fix everything. All the while, I just want to be on the ground, fighting like I'm good at. All the while Earth is being reduced to something less than Tuchanka. We have some resources right now, but no one wants to acknowledge that more is needed. They all think that by hording them, the Reapers will so busy picking apart Earth, they'll have a chance at defeating them by the time they're done with my planet. News flash! Anything less than their all is suicide. It doesn't matter whether it's now or later. I vote now while there are still some of my people left to save."

She smacked a fist to the side of the Sauna the faint splits that formed in the dark wood showing how thin her control was over her emotions at the moment. The strength of her voice alone could have probably shattered a boulder if given half a chance.

"Cerberus is acting up to top this cake with a fucking cherry. I don't know what the shit the Illusive Man is thinking - hell he probably isn't thinking. At this point I wouldn't be surprised if we were dealing with an indoctrinated megalomaniac personally gift wrapping us to hand deliver to the Reapers."

The anger turned more towards exhausted frustration as she sighed. "It doesn't help that Ashley is being a shit right now. Less so than when we first went to Mars but I don't know what's it's going to take to convince her that I'm no traitor. No. Actually, I'm done with that. I have too much else to do to be holding her hand when it's obvious that's the last thing she wants me to do. She can either get with the program or fuck the hell off."

She groaned and plopped her head in her hands. "I'm sorry," she told Thane. "That's been building for a while."

"I'm sure it is difficult." He commiserated. "Is there no one on your crew that you can also talk to?"

She shook her head. "Half of what I deal with is classified and even the stuff that isn't... They need to trust me. I can't break. I'm not even sure I can be human. Maybe I can talk to Karen. That is if I could ever get half a minute to myself on my ship."

"Feel free to contact me anytime you feel a need," he offered a hand to her. Even with her cybernetic enhancements, they had spent enough time here. "I will always listen."

She took it and smiled. "Thank you. You always help me, more than you know."

"It's my pleasure Shepard."

Making their way back to the room, Shepard went to wash off the sweat. Thane grabbed a cream. When she emerged, clean and fresh, he bade her to lay down and proceeded to massage the cream into her skin. It was good after the sauna and was also an unnecessary excuse to touch her.

Pleasured moans escaped from her giving him pleasure in turn. He could no longer fight with her, could no longer travel with her, but this? This he could do.  He could give her a haven. He could give her a place to go to ground where no one asked anything of her. Well, nothing she wasn't eager to give.

He rolled willingly when she switched their positions to all but attack his mouth. It was easy to submit to her wishes. Why wouldn't it be when there was nothing else _he_ would rather do?

As she scrabbled at the swim shorts and he distracted her with a well placed nip, causing her eyes to glaze and his hips to jerk, he felt like they were able to steal back one more moment that circumstance had taken from them. Actually, every moment felt like that, every touch, every kiss,  every tiny conversation.

It was one more memory they snatched back from fate.

 

She wasn't able to stay. They had maybe an hour more together before she had to return to the Normandy. They reluctantly dressed and he walked her down to the docking bay. She fretted over his return to the hospital, but he assured her he would take the cab back.

"Stay?" She asked.

"For as long as I can." He promised her again. "Be safe."

"Only for you."

Shepard pressed one last kiss to his lips before pulling away to board the Normandy, leaving him on the dock. Thane watched her turn a sharp corner into the ship with a swish of her ponytail. He had only a moment to wish he could go with her when a hand tapped his shoulder.

Thane turned to see one James Vega, the lieutenant Shepard had told him about.

"You're Thane, right?" He asked.

"Yes." He confirmed. "You're Vega, the lieutenant who's joined Shepard's crew."

"Joined, was forced into, following her willingly, motive has very little to do with it when there's really only one option available to ya." He waved the thought aside. "Anyway here." He handed Thane a thick packet of papers. "I thought you might want these."

Curious, he opened the envelope browsing through to see page upon page of grey lettering that he recognized as English bout could not read. He looked back to Vega, head slightly cocked in a silent question.

He explained. "She wrote a lot while she was being held. It was one of the few things they allowed her to do. When she was relieved of duty, and moved from holding to housing, I was ordered to confiscate all personal items. I just happened to have them when we were attacked. After seeing you, and seeing her here... I figure they're better in your keeping than in the hands of an Alliance investigator."

"Thank you." It was a gift he never would have expected.

"Just, take care of her. That's all the thanks any of us need." Vega held out a hand. They shook on it.

"Come on, hombre. You're going to miss the flight." Another man, skin equally dark, said as he walked past to the ship.

"Right behind you, Esteban." Vega clapped Thane on the shoulder. Then turned and boarded the Normandy as well.

They must have been the last because door hissed shut behind them, followed by the doors to the dock. Thane watched as the ship disengaged and took off smoothly. Light from the Citadel glinted off the blue, black, and white lines of the ship. Then it was gone. Leaving him surrounded by an echoing voice over the intercom, the conversations of dozens of people, and leaving him alone, clutching a bundle of papers.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard goes over Mindoir, and the calm before the storm.

_Thane,_

_So, Mindoir. Right._

_Fuck._

_I can't believe it's almost been twenty years since then._

_I don't want to talk about it. I really don't. Somehow I feel like I should though._

_Maybe I should start over. One of the last free survivors of the attack, a middle aged man at the time, just died. It wasn't anything bad, a fairly typical stroke, but that means, other than people like Talitha, I'm the last one who remembers what happened, no conjectures, no guesses, no "based on forensic evidence", the actual events._

_Something like that should be written down somewhere, shouldn't it? Someone should know. Otherwise it becomes some minor footnote in some kid's history book. Just as small as that article about that man's death._

_That man, like I didn't even know him. I knew Keith. Tanya and I used to cut through his crops all the time to get to town. I'm pretty sure after we turned fourteen, we woke up hung over in his fields more often than our own beds. So long as we didn't ruin anything or get in the way of harvest he couldn't care less._

_Keith's boys died. Both of them. Trying to fend off the second wave of pirates._

_Tanya too. Well, running not fighting..._

_She was so impatient. Always quick to shout, always wanting things now and not later. She would spend her allowance the second she got it. She was the type to change in the store bathroom when she got new clothes and eat everything in one go. Mindoir was always too small for her. All she wanted was to hurry up and grow up so she could see the galaxy and everything it had because it just had to be better than our little backwater colony._

_Not me._

_I was quiet and content to be so. The only time I got the itch to leave was when she would show me pictures and rattle off about some culture or another, even then, the itch faded quick. I had a crush on a boy at school, Trevor. Sandy hair, hazel eyes, and a really nice, if crooked, smile. Trevor was the type of boy who happy with his lot in life and knew he was going to take over the farm when his daddy retired. Just like any teenager, we were going to get married and have kids together if I could just get him to notice me._

_He was driven mad by the implants they forced into his brain. They ended up having to shoot him because by that point he could do little more than drool on himself. No matter how much they shocked him. I watched it happen from hilltop overlooking the stadium where they had rounded up everyone._

_We were a good community. Small enough that everyone looked out for each other, but big enough that you could still find a stranger to talk to knowing that your secrets were safe because they wouldn't see you again. There were a couple of different schools to choose from and even a college you could go to afterwards._

_Not anymore. When they rebuilt it, Mindoir was 'bigger' and 'better'. It just wasn't the same. I realized going back had been a mistake before my shuttle even touched down. I could see our farm, my family's, from the air. It had been used to build up more housing. They terraformed more fields out to the east to make up for it._

_I'm still avoiding the real topic, aren't I?_

_Julien and Marie Shepard. My parents. They named me after a great aunt or something. I was only told the story once and it was a long time ago. They weren't anything special, no pillars of the community, no leaders, no event organizers. They were only special to me and a handful of other people._

_I went to school, they worked the farm. We played games on the weekends, card games if the weather was bad, different sports if it was good. Their friends would be over and they would bring their kids, Tanya being one of them. They held me, they fought with me, they fed me, they loved me._

_The first wave of the attacks happened on the other side of town. It wasn't until later that I realized why. It was where our communication towers were, the ones that allowed us to contact people off world._

_I just remember hearing muffled thumps in the distance and smoke drifting from the horizon. I thought it was a prank at first. Someone setting off fireworks or something. We had been warned about pirates, but they were always stories on the news, or tales to tell at sleepovers. Pirates were the problems of other colonies._

_I'm pretty sure that thinking is what did us in._

_My parents wanted to run, I remember that. We were frantically grabbing clothes and essentials to stuff in whatever bags we could find and we were going to head to a shelter that held evac shuttles. I tried to find my favorite necklace, but it wasn't anywhere. They snapped at me to leave it, so I followed them out the front door, distressed to leave it behind._

_I think we made it about half way when we ran into Keith's boys._

_They were righteously angry. I didn't catch what they said to my dad, but they managed to spread that righteous anger to him and convinced him to fight, handing him one of the few guns they were carrying with them. Hunting rifles, meant for game not warfare. My mother clung to me the whole time, to the point that her grip bruised me. I had her fingerprints on my arm, purple, for days afterwards._

_Dad tried to force us to go without him, mom refused. She screamed at him that if we were doing anything we were doing it as a family, isn't that what he always said? Why would now be any different?_

_He never got the chance to reply._

_Gunfire that had been distant rhythmic bursts in the distance were suddenly loud and surrounding us. It was the only thing I could hear. We were in the middle of a field, but it was weeks away from harvest, we were mostly hidden by tall corn stalks. Only mostly. My dad fell, his head half blasted off by a shot, probably a sniper._

_We all dropped to the ground. My mom, crying, snatched the gun from where it had fallen in the dirt and told me to run for the shelter, she'd find me later. I was so shocked, I barely heard her. I was too busy staring at my hands. At the blood and brain matter I'd wiped off my face._

_She had to slap me to get my full attention. She pulled me close, told me she loved me, than shoved me with all her strength towards the opposite edge of the fields. I nearly fell, but managed to keep my feet. Then I ran._

_I just ran and ran._

_I ran from the smoke as they set fire to the fields._

_I ran from the gun shots, long powerful blasts of a hunting rifle answered by short staccato spurts of assault rifles. Then silence._

_I ran from wailing screams that came from my neighbors' houses._

_I think I got caught on a fence or something because I remember it felt like something reached out and grabbed me. I panicked, flailed, and lashed out until I tore free of whatever it was._

_I ran until someone caught me. It was Tanya's dad. He was about the size of a mountain and strong as one too. He picked me up and held me until I stopped flailing like a wild animal and realized where I was, after which, I broke down sobbing. I cried until I passed out from it. The last thing I remember from that night was his huge gentle hands stroking my hair and Tanya leaning against my back._

_When I finally came to, we were in the shelter, the evac shuttle long gone. It had taken off probably around the time my parents were being murdered. They had left us. We couldn't believe that they had left us. How could you do that to your own people?_

_Turns out that by leaving, they ran straight into a blockade and were shot down._

_Damned if you do, damned if you don't._

_What the vids and reports usually leave out is that this raid took days. Days, before the patrol came by. In those few days the Batarians took their time._

_They left the shelters alone that first night, tearing through the town, all the houses and stores. They killed anyone in their way, raped when they felt like it. It was almost like it was a party. I wouldn't be surprised to find out if they were all on stims. They didn't sleep, they waited until we were awake though. I think they just wanted to hunt us down._

_Tanya's dad quickly realized the shelters were only serving as our pens, holding us until an inevitable slaughter. He took some of the supplies that were there and packed them into our bags. He pulled us to a corner and told us in low tones that we needed to slip away quietly. He was going to try and organize the rest to get them out of here, but he thought they were going to panic, so he wanted us out first before that happened._

_Tanya hugged him real tight before grabbing me by the hand and taking me out. I think I was in a state of some sort of shock. I was aware of everything, and I can remember it, but I wasn't much of an active participant._

_The colony was at the base of a long hill, it rolled and dipped to the west, then climbed further into mountains, the fields spread along either side and out to the east. We went up these hills a mile or two just inside the mountains. I followed along kind of on automatic until we had to set up camp._

_Going through the motions was grounding, it helped engage me. We had gone on camping dozens of times, it let me pretend, just enough, to be able to help and to think._

_The two of us stayed out there for most of the day. There would be bouts of calm followed by more gunshots, then more calm. We flinched at every noise, thinking they were coming for us._

_We were so quiet, there was really nothing to say, but we held each other's hands for a while trying to get some kind of animal comfort. Then the pacing started. Tanya, more than me. I sat there fidgeting. After the fourth time scrounging for firewood we didn't need finally decided we couldn't take it anymore._

_Well - she decided, and I agreed to go with her._

_We hiked back over the hill, then crept into town. It was emptier than we had ever seen it, and when we did see living creatures, they were all batarian and drunk. We made it to a single shelter, finding it bare before we lost our nerve and slunk back to the camp._

_"Do you think that means they got out?" I asked, the first thing I had said in hours._

_"We can hope." Tanya said, not believing it at all. I don't think I did either to be honest._

_The sun was setting the next time Tanya wanted to go out. I didn't, but I was afraid of being alone when it got dark. We stuck to the hills this time rather than wandering back into the town. To the south we saw that the huge floodlights from the stadium were lit. Dread tried to freeze me. I did not want to see what was over there, but Tanya kept walking, and fear kept me following her._

_The stadium was located at the base of the hills, so from the top, we could see pretty clearly what was going on without being spotted._

_I had been right, not wanting to see what was down there._

_There were only hundreds left of once had been thousands of people, and they were all forced into about half of the main field surrounded by all sides by pirates. On the other half were six separate lines of people all walking up to what I assume were doctors or engineers, people at least qualified to put in the implants._

_It was a brutal process, no anesthetic, nothing for the pain, just slice, shove, and shock into compliance. It was out in the open so everyone could see just what they were in for. Someone tried to run, they shot him. Someone tried to fight, they shot him. Someone cried and threw a fit, she was hauled up between two batarians, kicking and screaming, so she was next. The batarians probably lost one in four from the implants themselves, the shocks not calibrated correctly, turning their potential slaves into dribbling vegetables._

_Trevor was one of those. Tanya's father was not._

_Tanya spotted her father in a bloody heap alongside the base of the bleachers. It was obvious his body had been tossed there along with plenty others. He was on the side of the heap, probably one of the last tossed on there before they started a new pile next to it._

_Her scream shocked the hell out of me. It echoed off the mountains down over the stadium below. It was my turn to snatch her arm and try to pull her away. She ripped herself away from my grip and even took a swing at me, but it went wild and I was able to duck._

_We didn't have time for that, and I told her as much. Begged her. I could see some pirates headed out of the stadium and coming up towards us on the hill, lights flashing as they came closer and closer._

_I don't know what finally snapped_ her _out of it, but one second we were fighting and the next we were running again. The trees were sparse this high, nearing the timberline, but they were still there and we tried to use them to our advantage, running and dodging around them like the obstacle course in phys ed. We ignored branches snapping in our faces and if we stumbled, we just pushed harder, using the momentum to propel us even further._

_It was during one of those stumbles that I think Tanya twisted her ankle. I yanked her up and kept pressing on, her limping beside me. Regardless of her injury, we couldn't keep up the pace for long. They were still gaining despite the unfamiliar terrain, they also had the benefit of light._

_Before we reached our camp we turned downwards, the slope helping our fatigue and making out way back to the fields. I don't know how we were planning on losing them. There really wasn't a plan at all. It was just panic, pure and simple._

_Tanya kept falling further and further behind and I..._

_Every time she lagged I just ran harder. I could have probably run until my heart gave out, the state I was in, but we'd made it into the fields and I could see the silos, large and dark in the night with the bits of light bouncing silver off of them. I ran, and slammed my back to one, like a child tagging safe._

_My breath came in heaving gulps, not matter how I tried to stifle it. I finally put a hand over my mouth and nose, thinking I would rather suffocate than get caught._

_Tanya was caught instead._

_I cried with her as she screamed and shouted, pleading for help. She never called my name, but I knew she was calling to me. My hands were drenched with all the tears running down my face and I just sat there. It was so hard to breathe. It was so hard to stay there. Yet the only thing more impossible than staying was going after her. It was the longest night of my life._

_I know now, that doing anything other than staying where I was, would have just resulted in my death as well as hers. I hate myself for doing it. I hated myself then, and I hate myself even today. I don't think that will ever change._

_The next morning, I went to her body.  It had been tossed to the side like all the other's in piles at the stadium, the only difference? She was alone. Her clothes were torn, blood was dried in still streams all over her skin. I had never seen her so pale. I don't know how long I stood there, but eventually I sat._

_When the sun rose, I felt the first rays warm me, and I resented them. I didn't deserve warmth._

_That one thought sparked the cycle of grief that I so desperately needed. Those days between the pirates and the Alliance patrol killed so many parts of me, the few that were left were hardened beyond recognition. I was pushed from a cliff and landed in anger and hate. I was ready to shove back at the galaxy and show them what they had wrought upon themselves._

_That day I sat next to Tanya's corpse and watched as the batarians left the planet in their ships in groups, taking my colony with them. I watched the Alliance land and take out the handful of stragglers that were still around. I sat there, dirty and cold and so breathtakingly furious until they found me while they were sweeping for survivors._

_There were no more than a dozen of us. The rest of them looked in about as good a shape as I did._

_I'm not going to go into what happened afterwards. I don't really need to. There's news footage and my psyche evals afterwards are available to anyone with a modicum of clearance. Foster care was about all it's ever cracked up to be and I joined the Alliance the second I could, with thoughts of revenge the entire way._

_Funny how I was there when the Skyllian Blitz happened. For me, it was Mindoir all over again. Only this time I had training, an AR, and a grudge. I won't lie and say I acted properly in accordance with regulation. Not even close. My conduct was inexcusable really, it was only because it was pointed in the right direction that I got off with no more than a short suspension and more trips to psych._

_Because of my actions during the Blitz, my superiors forbade my participation in Torfan. Instead I was stationed on Akuze. All if it combined left me pretty twisted up through the better part of my twenties. It took me a long time to get straightened out. Much like re-flattened tinfoil though, the wrinkles are still visible no matter how much I've ironed them out._

_I've come a long way, but there is no doubt in anyone's mind at how the destruction of my colony formed the person I am today. I wouldn't have ever joined the Alliance. I would have never joined the N7 program. I would have been content to spend the rest of my small life in quiet contentment._

_Now? I live for them. I see everything I can for Tanya. I fight hard for my parents. I stand strong for those who don't have the power to stand for themselves. It's the least I can do since I failed in those three days more than I think I will ever fail again in my life._

_It hasn't been an easy path, by any stretch of the imagination. For me though, the hardest part to cope with, isn't the guilt, the screams, or even the memories, but the simple fact that something that was such a large part of my past, my life, me, is something that most other people barely remember. Mindoir is a mere footnote in a newsreel, a bullet point in a history book. With all the injustice I've born witness to, why is that the most offensive of all to me?_

_It's been a hard day, Thane. I ache so much, for so many reasons. I wish you were here, but at the same time, I'm glad you don't have to see me today of all days._

_Be well, my love. I am going to sleep._

Thane had the letters he received translated right away. Scanning them into a program and loading them onto his omni-tool took mere minutes. Though they were almost instantly available, he treated them as if they were oxygen in space. The letters were something precious, to be read sparingly and spread out between her visits. 

She did visit him often, as often as she was able with her busy schedule. Every time she came by he was surprised all over again, and every time he was glad. Whether it was for twenty minutes or twenty hours, he cherished each one. So, alongside the new memories they were making, the letters became his new escape during his treatments, stuck on a sterile table with no other recourse.

Her visits were frequent enough that they were able to develop their own rhythm depending on their length.

The sauna was almost a requirement for any visit lasting longer than a couple of hours. Then they would head back to what was apparently 'their room'. Thane found out she had it permanently reserved. The perks of being a recognized hero. Intercourse wasn't always possible. Thane hadn't been lying about his cardiovascular system, but this ritual of theirs allowed them to commune with each other anyway.

Afterwards they would nap, skin to skin. Any time remaining to them was theirs to do with as they please. More often than not, Shepard just wanted to spend time in the room.

They would watch vids, order dinner, talk about philosophy. He did end up giving her some rudimentary lessons in his native tongue, amused by her clumsy attempts to pronounce the unfamiliar rolling words. Their lessons usually ended with him crooning at her for hours and she would simply listen, tucked in at his side.

There was even enough cautious optimism for them to start a book, taking turns reading aloud to each other. It was a light story, almost a fairytale. Magic problems gone awry with almost no battles, it was perfect for them. Tiny problems in tiny lives. 

Whatever they did, when their time was up, he would then see her off on whatever errand she had to run that day and return to the hospital.

Very, very, rarely, usually only on the days Kepral's syndrome hit him the hardest, would she fuss. Thane let her worry over him, because when she was fussing, she wasn’t strategizing over the next political debate, the continuing struggle to acquire resources, or counting the ever mounting death toll of her people.

He did keep track of things like that. Counts in the millions of people lost. Turian, Batarian, Human. News feeds showed Palavan burning, and nothing of Earth. The Reapers were too present for a crew to get close enough. He kept track of Earth's struggle in the darkening bags under Shepard's eyes. He could see the political strain of trying to get the different races to cooperate in the gauntness of her cheeks. He could see the weight of a galaxy in the taught line of her shoulders and the clench of her jaw.

Tension set throughout her body in ways he hadn’t seen even the night before the collector mission. As much as he enjoyed their visits, he came to realize that she didn't see him just because she wanted to, but because she needed to. Shepard was waning under these pressures.

Her crew knew it too.

Thane wasn't quite sure when or how, but they all had cottoned on to who he was to Shepard. Maybe it was Garrus or Joker, maybe it was when he took her back to the Normandy. No matter, they were all clearly worried about their Commander, and he realized they probably went so far as to make up excuses to get her back to the Citadel whenever they thought she was running herself too ragged. If he ever saw one of her crew members, they would always shoot him a look of gratitude or a gesture of thanks behind her back.

Even if Shepard wasn't better after a visit with him, she was at least rested enough to continue fighting.

Thane was happy to do this for her, elated to be someone so significant to her that he could help just by holding her. But-

But...

The numbness was getting worse. He often found himself blacking out and trying to pass it off as dozing during their films. There was more than one repeat of that first morning, but she had since stopped rushing him back to the hospital. The staff had shown her what to do in the case of a seizure and how to administer his oxygen shots. Beyond that, they just had to ride out the episodes and get him back in time for his treatments.

It was strange. Resentment was normally what he felt when he had to be cared for like this. After relying solely on himself for so long, vulnerability was particularly keen during this time. But it was almost… pleasant, to be tended to by her. Thane didn’t mind her as much as he minded the nurses or even his own son. She was very practical and perfunctory in her actions and yet he could feel her care for him in all that she did.

There was never pity, only concern, and even that she took some pains to mask so it wasn't overwhelming.

Thane only prayed that he could hold out long enough for them to find a solution.

He’d heard rumors, of a weapon being built by Earth with the help of gradually more and more species. Shepard was careful in confirming it, not because it was something to hide, but because it was something she wasn't ready to lay her hopes on quite yet. It sounded as if it would take months to complete and the Reapers were tearing through them fast. Thane wanted to be able to see her through this nightmare. It was his most fervent wish when he allowed himself such fantasy.

His lungs told him not to hope, the growing lapses in memory told him the same. Still he followed his instructions and regimens to the letter, asking any god that would listen for the strength and health he needed for just a few more months. Just a little longer. Please, just a little longer.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cerberus' attack on the Citadel and everything that happens after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A quick heads up, almost double the word count of anything I've posted so far. It may take a little longer to get through.

It seemed that just a little longer, wasn't long enough.

The blasts as Cerberus bombs went off rocked the whole station. Many of the refugee patients began to panic, thinking it was the Reapers come to the Citadel. The gunshots that followed put those notions to rest. Reapers didn't need assault rifles.

Getting out of Heurta Memorial had been tricky, but not impossible. He and the freshly minted Spectre Williams had managed to evade the incoming troops with the clever use of shadows and some disabled emergency exits.

They had made it outside when they were forced to duck behind some large planters filled with greenery. Thane was counting on his natural camouflage to aid him while Williams was practically flat on the ground. Another squad walked past them, scanning half heartedly around them while their focus was obviously on a destination somewhere past the hospital.

"-head towards the Council instead? Do we have their current location, yet?" The voice was deep and faintly metallic as it called through the helmet. The rest of the squad paused and looking to who Thane assumed to be was their leader. "Copy, that." The leader turned to the rest of them and made a pointed hand gesture . "Theta team, move out."

Thane crept smoothly along the planter to keep it between him and the squad as they moved around. When he glanced to the side to where Williams should be, she wasn't there.

Instead she was in plain view of anyone who decided to check behind them, coiled as if ready to leap up and take on the Squad. Her features grim and determined. Thane reached out and snagged the back of her hardsuit to keep her back and down. Now wasn't the time. Williams hadn't had time to leave the hospital to pick up her Spectre gear and Thane had left behind all his weapons save for a tiny subcompact and his omni-blade as a show of good faith for his son. They were out manned and outgunned, attacking now was the height of idiocy.

She stiffened when she felt his hand on her armor, and turned to glare at him, silently jerking away from him as if to make a move anyway. Letting go to snatch her wrist with the speed of a striking snake, he stared her down. It was a glare he normally reserved for shaking down informants. A glare that showed the subject every horrible thing he'd done to living creatures and that they _would_ comply, or share the same fate.

The battle of wills lasted only a moment more before she relented and crouched back behind the planter, out of sight.

Thane released her. His hand hovered in the vicinity, ready to grab her again, until he was sure she wouldn't do anything rash. When he finally withdrew, he ignored how she pointedly rubbed at her wrist. Thane was too busy forming a plan to care about her petulance.

Their first priority was weapons. Thane refused to regret giving up all but his back up, however it was not another obstacle to be overcome. After weapons they would need to get word outside the station, any and all help would be useful. Shepard had also emailed him recently, telling him they were coming back around for another stop. He hoped they were close, but they could still be a day away.

The squad finally moved far enough away to give them the opportunity to back up. Even if they were seen now, they were out of close range and it would be easier to dodge any fire. He signaled Williams and they stole towards the elevator maintenance shafts, counting on the tromping of boots to hide any sounds she may have made.

The elevators themselves were out of the question. The last thing they needed was to be trapped or ambushed before they accomplished their first objective. The maintenance door was pried open with a whining grind on the hinges. Thane winced at the noise, ushering the human in before himself.  Glancing over his shoulder back to the courtyard, he looked past the smoking holes and few bodies that littered the ground for black, white, and yellow uniforms turning back their way.

The troops never flinched, thinking to check back over ground they'd assumed had already been cleared. He sent silent gratitude heavenward before slipping behind the door himself and stepping up onto the ladder he trusted to be there in the dark.

The door slammed shut behind him, leaving them in pitch before the low security light flickered on.

"Why did you stop me?" Williams hissed from above him, feeling safe enough to talk. "They were going after the Council, we should have done something."

"They may still be searching for the Council, but mainly, we are unarmed. It would have been suicide." He told her, stretching up for the next rung. "Getting ourselves killed helps no one, first we need gear."

She huffed but didn't say anything further, climbing along at a steady pace. Shepard had commented on her friend's attitude on more than once occasion. While Thane hadn't seen it at the hospital when she was recovering, he was getting glimpses of it now. She'd probably been a headache for more than one commanding officer. If he lived long enough, he would be idly curious as to what kind of Spectre she'd turn out to be when left to her own devices.

Three months ago, this climb would have been easy. As it was, Thane found himself quickly losing his breath and his extremities starting to tire just minutes in. Each limb was carefully placed before he pushed and reached up to the next bar, the last thing he needed was-

Thane slipped.

Adrenalin flooded his system as he twisted, trying to latch back onto the rungs. The resulting catch wrenched his shoulder, shooting pain all the way to the base of his skull, and the resulting slam of his mass against the ladder bruised his torso, inciting a coughing fit. Of all the days to wake up with numbness, today was not a convenient one.

"Jesus," the Spectre above him swore. "Shit! Krios, are you alright?"

Thane couldn't answer, just cough and hack as he tried desperately to take a full breath. In the dim light, it was hard to tell if his vision was darkening. Thane prayed he wasn't about to lose consciousness. He'd managed to pocket an extra oxygen shot on the way out, but he only had the one. If he used it now, but needed it later, it could mean his life.

He coughed until he tasted sour before he could finally force himself back under control. When he could take five shaky, but full, breaths without starting back up he said. "I'm fine now, let us continue."

"You shouldn't be here." Williams said. "You should go back to the hospital."

"For what?" He asked curious. He was moving deliberately, trying to make up the distance. "For capture? Execution?"

She let out a frustrated sigh. "Didn't you used to work for them?" She waited until he was almost touching her boot before starting her ascent again. "I thought that was how you knew Shepard."

"Cerberus issued my pay, but I was contracted to Shepard." He poked his head out to the side and could see the top of the shaft from around her form. Relief was almost as heady as the adrenalin. "I owe no loyalty to them, and they have none for me. In fact, because of the collector mission, and our knowledge of their organization, I was made aware that there are bounties out for all of Shepard's former crew.

"There's nowhere for me to go but forward. Even impaired my skills can be useful and we need all the help we can get right now. If there is any place I should be, it's doing exactly what I'm doing now."

Williams muttered under her breath, reaching the top and stepping to the side, allowing him room to do the same. Thane took a second to regroup, rotating his shoulder to see how badly he'd injured it. A moderate sprain, but nothing torn. It was sore, wanting to lock up on him, but there shouldn't be any lasting trauma.

Cautious, he moved ahead of her and cracked the door to the outside. It swung open on silent hinges. This entrance was apparently more frequently used. He assumed if he cared to search he'd find a power box explaining why. As it was, he had better things to do.

The Prisidium Commons looked much like the floor they'd just left. Ruined contents of the shops were scattered among a dozen corpses, the majority of which were in bright clothing, marking them as civilians. There were a couple of darker C-Sec uniforms among them, but only a couple. There should be coordinated counter attacks for these kinds of situations, but the remnants of Cerberus' storm indicated there was nothing of the kind. Thane frowned.

Opening the door wider, he still didn't see anyone they needed to worry about. There were one or two people fleeing their hiding places, but for the most part, the area had been abandoned. However, that didn't mean Cerberus wouldn't return.

Quick and quiet they picked their way across the open expanse to where he knew the arms merchant had been located.

Most of the merchants kept their good in the warehouses down in Zakera ward and had items delivered from there rather than working solely out of their storefront. Though, they tended to keep popular selections handy for people to examine or take with them on the spot. It was these models he and Williams were searching for as they hopped over a countertop into the back.

The kiosk for the shop was a sparking ruin, and they had to shift the bodies of a couple employees in order to get to the proper containers.

They laid out the casualties as respectfully as they could. Thane spared a short and silent prayer for them. They began popping off the tops of the crates, hands slipping in blood that while still wet, had gone cold. This yielded them weapons and heat sinks, though mostly handguns.

He and Willimas each chose models they were familiar with and loaded up on the heat sinks. Thane's hands briefly longed for the comfort of his sniper rifle, though he dismissed it quickly. It would be of little use to him in this current situation. He also longed for a familiar, unwavering presence at his side, but that feeling served him about as well as the nonexistent sniper rifle and was also set aside.

"I need to get to the Council," Williams said the second they were armed. "This whole thing smacks of something bigger and I don't like it. As a Spectre their safety is my priority."

"Go." He told her. "I'll try to see where all the emergency response teams are, and if there is anyone in range of the docks to help."

The spectre paused a moment, the artificial sun glinting off her deep blue armor. Thane wasn't sure what she was searching for in his expression, but she gave him a sharp nod and most of a salute before she took off at a sprint. She must have already had an idea of where the Council would be holed up, waiting for an escort.

Thane double checked his weapon. The rounds were chambered and the slide was smooth on the pistol. As he examined it, he found that it shook faintly in his hands, the tremors from the nerve damage no longer ceasing. Setting his jaw and clenching his fist, he checked around as he crept back over to the C-Sec guard station. They would have a terminal there and he wanted a better idea of what he was getting into before moving along any further.

Instinctively he ducked behind the counter again, pulling down the interface with him. He didn't feel right without some kind of cover, especially since he would need to concentrate.

Hacking into the system took longer than he anticipated, the double set of firewalls taking him some time, he was no tech expert. It seemed that Cerberus had taken over C-Sec headquarters, and once they did, blocked them out by overlaying their own encryptions on the system. Some of the coding had been familiar to him, he'd seen it before.

It took very little time poking around the system to realize that it was on a closed network. He could look, and receive, but not send anything other than a duress signal. He would have to go to headquarters in order to get into the system deep enough to free up the comm lines. Someone more skilled than he could probably bypass the protocols here, but there was nothing more he could do.

It also explained the lack of widespread response across the station. Without orders or communication it was no stretch to imagine that security personnel were probably banding together, then hunkering down to try and repel any attacks to their normally assigned sectors.

From the same terminal he tried and failed to access the emergency channels. Also because of the closed network, he had no way to connect to anything off station. Thane took the spark of ire at being thwarted and let it flow into helping him form a new plan.

He glanced up over the counter, only to duck back down and swear softly.

Three had double backed, moving down the stairs towards the store fronts to start looting. Thane's pistol still trembled in his grip. Light from the Prisidium was mostly diffused despite being overhead. The 'sun' was more a strip of powerful lights that could be brightened or dimmed. Because of that fact, Thane's area was mostly covered in shadow.

Hoping the glow would go unnoticed, he pulled up his omni-tool and set off a jamming program he had installed long ago. The last thing he needed was them calling for back up.

He pushed up into a kneeling position, exposing more than he would like, but he needed the countertop for stabilization. One of the troopers had a visor rather than a helmet. He'd be able to take that one for sure. The other two would be trickier.

Laying down his forearms, pistol in hand, he got in line with the sights. At this distance with no scope the forms were blurred slightly, but a couple of hard blinks made it manageable.

Thane put a lead on the target. Inhale. Exhale. In the stillness after the outward breath, he smoothly compressed the trigger.

The blast left his ears ringing as his target fell, round through his temple. Adjusting his grip minutely, he let off four more rounds hitting the second trooper before they could do more than flinch.

A bright blue flare flashed as their shields dissipated. At this point they'd recovered enough to dip and scatter to cover. One went to the cafe, flipping a table for cover while the one without shields jumped over and behind a retaining wall.

Thane paused in his firing long enough for them to lean around their prospective covers, then he shot again. All of his focus was on human's whose shields were already down. He wanted to avoid them regenerating and adding to his problems.

On a fortuitous shot, Thane managed to catch a hinge on the trooper's helmet, blasting off the faceplate. The man flinched back enough to expose his face, which was all the opportunity Thane needed. The blood splatter from the shot was mostly contained to the helmet as the fresh corpse fell backwards to the ground at an awkward angle.

A sudden sharp pain flared through the frill on his neck as a return shot from the cafe almost caught Thane full in the neck. He twitched low, ducking beneath the counter. In a smooth motion, he ejected and replaced the heatsink at the same time. The rapid impacts of the assault rifle rounds smacked against the front of the barrier as his opponent switched from long range shots to using brute force.

Thane was surrounded by data pads that had fallen to the floor, there was the terminal he'd used earlier as well, and some small scattered debris from the first attack, but Thane saw nothing to help his current predicament. He'd have to do something a little drastic. Thane shifted his stance and prepared himself. His cover wouldn't last another full magazine, but it should hold until the current clip ran out... right... about -

The instant there was a pause in the sharp bright bursts, he dashed for the storefronts, leaping forward over the counters, tucking into a roll for the landing. Considering he wasn't in peak condition, he felt it went rather well.

The shoulder he wrenched less than an hour ago protested loudly to being landed on. He held that elbow in tight to his body, attempting to jar the injured joint as little as possible. One handed this time, he would set up the same as before, though closer with a better vantage point.

Shots sprayed overhead as he dug through the crates he and Williams had opened earlier. A plan was half forming in his mind and while they weren't his preferred weapon, he had seen a shotgun.  Reaching carefully down with his bad arm to pick through the different items, he returned a couple of shots over the counter. None of them hit, but that wasn't the point.

Thane found and loaded the shotgun. Switching the weapon to his strong hand, he grabbed it by the pump and racked it sharply to chamber the round.

Over to the left of him there was a shallow alcove with no shelving. Thane didn't know what it was for nor did he care. All that mattered was he was able to wedge himself into it far enough that anyone peering over the counter along the right side wouldn't be able to see him. He propped the shotgun up at an angle and waited.

It only took the reload of a single magazine with no return fire to make his opponent curious. The constant barraged ceased and the silence was almost deafening. Thane continued to wait.

Stilling his breathing, Thane concentrated on the quiet clicks of the armor brushing against itself, on the soft scuff of a boot against the ground. All of this helped Thane keep track of the man's position as he left his cover and tried to sneak up on Thane's position. Once he was close enough, Thane could even hear his shallow breathing. The sulfuric almost burning smell of a fired gun wafted down to him.

Thane tensed but only enough to prep him for his next move.

Another click. The sound of hard plate hitting the counter's edge as the trooper moved left for a better vantage point.

Thane tossed the pistol as he ripped himself out of his hiding spot. Counting on the twitch reflex to automatically move the AR just enough to give him an opening. It did. He pulled up the shotgun and unloaded all three blasts directly into the trooper's face at point blank range.

He didn't fall.

It was enough to disorient, enough to injure, but not enough to get through the shields, the armor, and through to him.

Without hesitation Thane let his training take over as he dropped the shotgun, reached out with both arms and twisted with all the torque he could muster. A sickening crack gave under his palms and the third human finally dropped. Dead.

Thane also dropped down to the countertop, not quite able to stifle a pained moan as he clutched his shoulder. It hadn't torn earlier, but there was a good chance it had torn now.

Checking around yet again, he retrieved some medi-gel packs from the fallen trooper, glad he hadn't given him a chance to use it and slathered them over his shoulder and his neck. At this point his neck had mostly stopped bleeding, but it staunched what little flow was there. The analgesic kicked in for his shoulder, bringing respite.

Thane grabbed the nearest working terminal and began on his second objective, getting word out to anyone who was listening.

He started by broadcasting a subtle but wide range SOS, sending it out on as many frequencies as possible. The responses were minimal. The few he did get were either too far away, or they were ill equipped to help, either carrying cargo or more refugees. If anything he was able to warn them away.

Eventually he began to hail individual channels hoping to get in contact with, well anyone. A military ship stopping for resupply, a group of mercs or scouts returning from runs to the outer rings, risking Reapers for profit. Anyone with weapons and not with Cerberus.

"Hello, is there anyone reading me?" He repeated for the twelfth time after having adjusted the channel a hairsbreadth.

"Hey! " The voice sounded familiar.

"This is Thane Krios. I'm searching for anyone who can help." He rushed, grateful to have made any contact.

"Yeah, this is Joker."

"Joker." Thank the gods. He continued urgently. "Communications are down. The Citadel is under attack. Is Shepard there?" he asked. He glanced up as he had been about every thirty or so seconds during this entire endeavor. If the terminal hadn't been hardwired into the station itself he would have found a more defensible position.

Thane needed to give a rundown of the situation then move on. He was too exposed. Aside from that, he also wanted to hear her voice. A feeling of dread had been hanging over him since he'd left the hospital, and it was only getting worse. Joker's voice turned away from the comms for a moment before she came on.

"Thane?" His heart gave a hard thump and he felt better in an instant. His Siha carried the weight of the galaxy, and it was hard for her, but she only did so because she frequently accomplished the impossible. Knowing she was near, it was enough to give him hope and a second wind. They couldn't waste time, and so he didn't, giving her an overview of the situation.

"Shepard. The Citadel is under attack. Cerberus troops are everywhere, and they are in control of the docks."

Of course her first question was, "Are you safe?"

"No." He said. He wished he could give her a different answer. The question caused him to scan his surroundings again, checking the stairs and the far railings for anyone circling back. "I had to evade their commandos at the hospital. I'm in a Presidium storefront."

"Did Ashley make it out?"

"We got separated. She said she had to protect the Council. I'm going to C-Sec headquarters." He told her. There was shuffling in the distance, but he saw that it was a couple of civilians making a dash to the apartments across the way.

"Why C-Sec headquarters?" her voice slightly distorted by the comms, was still puzzled.

"It's been compromised, and C-Sec's response depends on it. As long as Cerberus is holding the headquarters, they have the station." Shepard's exhale was clear over the line. In it he could hear resignation, exasperation, and a multitude of other emotions as well. He could imagine her expression, the grim determination that would be there.

"All right, Joker - get us away from the docks and close to C-Sec HQ. We'll deploy in the shuttle. Thane, be careful."

"Of course Siha." He said. The line disconnected.

He set the terminal to send a wider broadcast, telling anyone nearby to stay away unless they could help. With a powerhouse coming onto the station, it mattered less that Cerberus knew someone was signaling for help. Help was already here. Now they needed to coordinate and turn the tides.

His second objective completed, it was time to move on to move on to the next. He checked over the wreckage of the Prisidium commons once more and carefully left his position. The maintenance shafts were still the best route available to him. He might have to resort to some of the larger ducts that some of the rats, like Mouse, had shown him so long ago.

Thane's will flared a little brighter, and the world seemed to steady beneath his feet. If there had been a crowd, he would have disappeared between heartbeats. As it was, he melted into the shadows, leaving the commons area still and devoid of any signs of life, save for the lone, running terminal.

~

The closer he got to headquarters the more shots he could hear. Though, the time between the bursts was getting longer and longer. If Shepard was coming in from the docks then she could have beaten him there and could be clearing out the station. Someone was putting up a fight, but he would have to get closer to see who'd won.

Wanting to avoid as much confrontation until he absolutely needed to, he came into the building high and at an angle, taking cautious advantage of some open ducts. The fact they were open at all sent off a red flag. When he caught a glimpse of another intruder all of his internal alarms were set off.

That was Kai Leng.

Most major league assassins knew of each other, sometimes even worked against each other if jobs overlapped. It always paid to know not only who your potential competition was, but also you might be paid to hunt you.

Leng was known in the underworld, mostly as the pet assassin of the Illusive Man. If you were on Cerberus' bad side, then Kai Leng was the one to darken your door. Thane had heard of a number of failed missions over the recent years, when Leng was paired with another... Rasa, if his information had been correct.

Last Thane had heard, he'd been shot in both legs and was out of the game. Apparently not anymore.

Thane immediately switched his priorities. Anyone that Leng was going after in an instance like this was probably important and fundamental to any effort opposing the Reapers.

He followed at a distance, not wanting to draw attention to himself, in his current state, surprise was an element he would desperately need. Two fingers briefly brushed against the oxygen shot in his pocket. Timing would be vital.

There was more combat in the station, and some shouting in the distance. What few glimpses Thane allowed himself of Kai Leng, he could read in his body language that they were close to his goal. Thane injected the shot. It needed a couple of seconds to disperse through his system.

They approached a room. Thane could hear Shepard on the comms. Kai Leng jumped silently from the duct to a crossbeam, then from the beam to the floor, landing in front of the Salarian Councilor.

Shepard shot out a window from across the room and jumped down to face Kai Leng, the Councilor between them. Thane took the opportunity to drop down himself and crawl along the desks. The Salarian Councilor was talking about Udina but everyone's focus was on the mass of energy cupped in Kai Leng's palm and the gun Shepard had trained on it.

Oxygen and energy filled his veins.

Shepard said, "Three on one, pal. It's over."

"No," Kai Leng said, amused. "Now it's fun."

Thane pulled out his gun, inches away from the assassin's head.

Time suspended.

Kai Leng tensed then turned blocking Thane's gun arm. Thane holstered the weapon, rather shooting it, not wanting to risk hitting anyone else or potentially having it taken and used against him. He and Leng exchanged blows, keeping to hands and fists, trying to get some distance and buy some time. Thane felt a hand grab is head, then an elbow slammed into his face.

Due to training it didn't faze him too much, though he did feel something jar in the back of his skull. The room tilted, but he ignored it in favor of landing an uppercut to Leng's jaw.

He was skilled, most every hit Thane attempted was blocked, where most of his blocks only lessened Leng's blows rather than deflecting them altogether. A couple of hits, he let land with no attempt at dodging, he was looking for an opening.

Thane went for a haymaker, but Leng managed to get inside his guard. Leng turned at an awkward angle to get Thane over his hip, then threw him towards the group. Tucking and rolling, Thane pulled out the pistol and let off a couple of rounds as he landed back on his feet. But, Kai Leng was no longer there.

Thane went still, trying to listen. Shepard and the others were looking around as well, everyone trying to see where he'd gone.

Off to the left there was a shimmer as Kai Leng's cloaking wore off and he drew a sword. Thane started shooting in earnest now, but the cybernetic enhancements made Leng just fast enough to keep ahead of his targeting.  He let off round after round, but Leng moved low, swinging the sword for his midsection.

Thane managed to get the pistol at the correct angle and sparks flew as the sword ran along the top rail of it. It flew out of his hand. The oxygen shot was already fading with all the activity and that, combined with the numbness made him lose his grip.

He completely dodged the second swipe of the katana and loosed two kicks on him, both landing solidly. One to his midsection, the other to his face. Thane charged his biotics and blasted him backwards.

As his opponent lay there, stunned, Thane picked up his gun, ejecting the heat sink. Thane was out of breath and trying not to show it. His vision was wavering, black edging his line of sight, because of course it would have to be now. Kai Leng recovered enough to pop back lightly to his feet, sword in hand, as fresh as if they'd just begun to fight.

Taking in a deep breath did nothing to restore his vision. This was it. This would decide the battle one way or another.

It happened between moments.

Maybe if his sight hadn't been impaired. Maybe if he hadn't have been injured earlier. Maybe, if there hadn't been a moment where his mind blanked. Maybe he would have won and lived. Just a little longer.

That had been his only wish when Shepard had returned. Just a little longer.

As it was, his reactions were just slow enough. His little longer was carried off like dust on the wind. Pain slid smoothly through his midsection.

"Thane!"

Thane had been stabbed before, but never run through. It was not... pleasant. The deep throbbing around the wound as he bled internally could even be labeled excruciating. Thane struggled to stay in the present moment.

Drell fighters died of shock more often than their injuries, because the injury often triggered the cascade of memories of pain, each in perfect agonizing detail, layering  them all atop one another. Many times it was enough to kill them.

So, he took hold of the present and forced himself to focus on his surroundings, gunshots in the distance, the rest of the team discussing something in rapid low tones behind him. He couldn't understand them, but their voices served as another tether. Thane pushed up off the floor, concentrating on every move of his muscles, every bright play of light reflected off the tile.

Once he was sure he wouldn't fall into memory, he limped his way over to the pavilion where Shepard was shooting into the distance. Leaning against the wall he took a few shots of his own at the fleeing vehicle.

The shots skimmed off the rounded sides of the vehicle if they even hit at all. Kai Leng was gone.

Thane was done, as spent as his clip. There was nothing more that he would be able to do. At least he had put up a fight, rather than slowly rotting for months before he expired. His legs weakened and crumpled underneath him. He slid down the wall landing on the ground with a thump.

The sound of boots running over pavement grew louder as someone came closer. A warm palm was tenderly at his cheek before he realized his eyes had closed.

Forcing them open, he saw Shepard. The world around him was smearing at the edges. This close though, she was the only thing in focus. Her brilliant blue-green eyes beginning to water, making them shimmer even more like the sea. There was a panic and a horror in her eyes like he'd never seen before.

"How bad is it?" She asked, her hands already skimming over his body. It did nothing to soothe his pain, but everything to soothe his soul. Strange, her voice seemed so far away.

"I have time." He assured her. "Catch him."

Indecision flickered across her features. The conflict between her wanting to stay with him and her obligations to go after Kai Leng was tearing at her. In all honesty, he didn't want her to leave, but he wouldn't hold her back. He couldn't.

She lingered for half a moment more. Leaning in, she pressed her forehead to his, her eyes shut tight. Shepard pleaded in a whisper, "Stay?"

It took him a couple of agonizing breaths, but he promised. "For as long as I can." Bringing a shaking hand up to her cheek, he asked, "Be safe?"

"Always for you." She pressed a quick, hard kiss to his lips then visibly forced herself to turn away, barking into her comms as she did so. The other two in her squad followed behind.

Thane would have liked to say that he watched her until she was out of sight, but he couldn't remember. The next thing he was aware of was the paramedics arriving at the scene.

He lost time again in the ambulance. His awareness kicked back in at the hospital, Kolyat's worried face standing over him. He was growling at the nurses, demanding something. Thane wasn't sure, his hearing and his vision were fading in and out.

Thane didn't know how long it took him to be stabilized, but when he finally was, he knew that he didn't have much longer. So did the doctors.

He could see it in how they walked and looked at each other. Thane could almost hear their thoughts as they silently calculated how much of their resources his lingering could waste.

He would save them the trouble.

"Kolyat," he coughed, sliding the oxygen mask down his face. Immediately, his son was there.

"Yes, father?"

"Are you alright?" He held up his hand and his son took it, sitting down on the side of his bed as he did so. Kolyat had a couple of minor scratches on his cheek, small enough that he probably didn't know they were there. Other than those, he looked perfectly fine, a relief.

"I am alright. I was just getting off of my shift and entering my apartment when the attack hit. I was well away from the fighting." His dark eyes were blinking rapidly as they took in Thane's own condition.

"Good," Thane nodded. "Good."

"What happened?" Kolyat asked him. "All they would tell me was how they found you."

"Cerberus had taken over C-Sec. The Salarian councilor was down at headquarters, they sent an assassin after him. We fought, but he got away. Shepard followed to try and take him down. I was... struck down during the fighting." That was... surprisingly difficult to admit. He hoped that despite his failure the Councilor had survived anyway. Thane took a careful breath, looking at all the equipment that surrounded him, whirring and beeping incessantly.

Thane made a tired gesture to it all, "Could you ask someone to turn all of this off?"

The question devastated his son. He saw that right after he asked it. Kolyat's entire frame becoming ridged while sorrow molded his features and his shoulders slightly hunched. Thane was sorry for it, but he didn't want his last moments to be filled with this racket.

"Of course, father." He said, voice soft with his grief. When the beeping ceased, Thane felt himself relax, though his sigh turned into another round of coughing. He was tired of coughing. He was tired, period.

Kolyat waited for the nurse to leave again before sitting back down. They talked then, knowing this was going to be one of their last conversations. Kolyat was sorry that so much of the last few months had been fighting and him nursing his resentment. Thane told him just how much he loved him, apologized again for leaving him and his mother alone, and everything that followed.

At one point Kolyat had leaned over, head on Thane's chest as his back shuddered. Thane put a hand on the back of his neck, stroking there, soothing him like he'd done when his son was an infant, tiny, and sobbing in the night.

Grateful. Thane should only be grateful right now, having spoken with his son, reconciling, gaining back some tender moments that he was sure would have been lost to him forever after Irikah died. There was one more thing he needed to do, before he passed.

"Kolyat?"

"Yes, father?" He said, watching him with resigned eyes.

"Could you get my prayer book from my room? It is on the night stand." He seemed as though he would refuse for a moment, but then he nodded.

"Of course." Kolyat said. He checked that Thane was comfortable one more time, then left the room.

Thane closed his eyes then, resting. Only resting. He couldn't leave just yet, he was simply tired form all the excitement today. A muscle was twitching in his shoulder, but it didn't hurt, thanks to the painkillers they had him on.

He drifted for a while. The sounds of people outside his doors mixing in with the hum of the traffic that was flying again outside of his window.  The artificial sun was falling over his blankets, but it didn't cast any warmth.

It was a matter of a moment to recall the brightness of New Mexico, then another to fall completely into the memory of being atop a mesa. The sun soaking into his core, the rock and gravel under his clothed back, the heat from the earth him from underneath and the feel of nearly complete and utter peace.

He wasn't sure what brought him out of it. A sound, perhaps her voice. In an instant he was back in the hospital and when he turned his head he could see her standing outside the door, talking with his son.

Shepard's armor was gone, but he could see the undersuit where her hoodie gapped and there was a grey smear of what he assumed was blood on her cheek. He imagined she simply threw her hard plates off into a corner somewhere and pulled the sweatshirt on, on her way to the hospital.

She briefly placed her hand on Kolyat's arm before walking towards the sliding door.

"Siha," he sighed when she came in.

"I got here as quick as I could," she said, making a beeline for him.

Defeat in her heart and despair on her face. As she walked to his bedside, instead of the flash of her hair or the ocean in her eyes, all he could see were the hard lonely nights in her future. That pained him more than his wounds. "I'm afraid I've picked a bad time to leave."

"You could never disappoint me, Thane." She said in a soft tone, her eyes watering, making their color shimmer in the light. "Not even now."

"Such pleasant things from your lips -" he coughed, unable to finish the sentence. Time. They had taken back so much of what had been stolen from them, but it still wasn't enough. "I'm sorry. I have to know, did the Councilor survive?"

"Yes," she told him. "The Councilor lives."

"Good." He said, reaching out for her. She came to him effortlessly. Taking her hand he could feel her trembles and he ached for her. Her and his son. If he could spare them his death he would. But he could not.

He pulled her gently down to him and whispered, "I love you, Shepard, my Siha."

"I love you too, Thane." She sobbed and pressed her lips to his.

They were warm, and soft. They called to mind the first tentative few explorations back on the Normandy, then more recently their thorough, lingering, confessions in the hotel suite. Thane could taste the salt from her tears.

The kiss was gentle and tender until, it changed midway. Shepard kissed him deeper then harder as though she was trying she was trying to push life back into his body, as though if she never stopped he would never leave. Thane kissed her back with everything he had. Desperation flavored what he was very aware was to be his last kiss from her.

It was difficult. The pain in his abdomen, the rapid weakening of his limbs, the torrent of coughs he was suppressing because he knew once they started, this would end, they all told him, the end was here, and he didn't want to let go. He never wanted to let go.

His own tears leaked from the sides of his eyes. The gods were unpitying, never cruel, but unmovable, and they had declared it was his time. They would not be denied. He gentled the kiss. Pulling away he returned for smaller and smaller kisses, not actually wanting to stop, but knowing they needed to. With each one, he tried to tell her how much he loved her, that he would always be there with her, that he wanted nothing more than to stay.

The coughs he was holding back finally became too much. Sharply turning away, the hacks overtook him, shooting pain throughout his body. Sniffing and wiping the tears from her eyes, Shepard snatched water off a stand nearby and helped him clear his throat.

"Siha," he cleared his throat,"it will be soon. Can you please get Kolyat?" She left. They came in and Thane saw that Kolyat had his prayer book. "Thank you, Kolyat."

He tried to say a prayer for her, his last gift to this world when he received one last unexpected gift as well. When Kolyat picked up the prayer effortlessly for him, he couldn't have been happier. Thane had only recently done right by his son, and his greatest worry was what would become of him after he left. This set him at ease. If his son was spending time with the priests of the old religions then he could die knowing that his son was on a good path.

Thane drifted, listening to the voices of his beloveds. He reached out for them both, each taking a hand of his. While they spoke he tried to convey all the love he had for them, their words growing fainter and more distant as he floated away to his final sleep.

~

Weeks after the destruction of the Reapers, and the Citadel, the cleanup crew was working their way through the wreckage. The Keepers were already working on putting everything back together, but the survivors felt that the casualties deserved to be laid to rest, rather than spaced with the garbage and debris.

Commander Shepard's body had been found a few days prior. What was left of the Alliance was setting up a funeral fit for the hero that she was. It was digging through one of the low end apartments that one of the volunteers found something interesting.

There was a box that was half scorched. In it was a bunch of belongings, a tan jacket, a knife, a drell prayer book, and a stack of letters. Nothing was unscathed, some of the letters were destroyed beyond repair. However some were able to be reconstructed, one only partially.

_your help with her afterwards._

_I think you were the first person to actually see_ me _after I woke up. Cerberus saw a weapon. My friends saw a traitor or a ghost. Everyone else saw a job. You were the first to see past the Commander, the leader, the curiosity. I can't tell you how thankful I am for that._

_Turning myself in was the biggest mistake of my life, but then, I'm pretty sure I've said that already. If things were different..._

_I'm exhausted. I'm tired of being a hero and saving the galaxy. I'm tired of trying to convince people who will not be convinced. I used to enjoy the fight, but now I've learned the fight never ends. All I want out of life, it to wake up with you for every morning you have left. Learning to cook more than throwing an MRE in the microwave? Yes, please. Going to a planet for all the stupid touristy attractions, never having to mine for materials to make sure my army has enough weapons? I'm so there._

_It kills me that it is such a real possibility that I will never see you again. I am grateful  for my work, because it led me to you. Now, I want nothing more to do with it._

_Of course, I say that writing under house arrest. I know that if I ever get out of here, I wouldn't be able to watch the end of the world from a sandbank somewhere, sitting next to you. No, I'll be at the front line, like I always am, working for people who don't deserve me. Desperate people who only see the truth when it's shooting at them. If I didn't, I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I don't think you would love me near as much either._

_I just hate that I have to chose. I want to rage at the gods. Why did the end of the world happen now? Why did you have to be sick? I'm no more than a petulant child throwing a tantrum because it feels like nothing is happening in my favor. Oh, if it concerns the known universe, then it works suspiciously in my favor. But my personal life? Can't be having that now, can we?_

_I'm sorry. I'm sorry. There's just a feeling of dread that's coming over me. That other shoe that's about to drop? I think it's on its way down and I'm just waiting for its slap to hit the floor._

_..._

_I love you. I've told you that, right? I love all the stereotypical things, your smile, your laugh, as seldom as they are. I love how you think about things. I love that you care for your son so much. I love how light brings out the different colors in your skin. I love that you can hit a pressurized canister from five hundred yards. I love your hands and all the things they can do, both wonderful and terrible... I just love you._

_And I know I'm terrible about saying it most of the time. But I should say it at least once. Especially since I don't think I would have tried so hard to survive the Collector mission without you. You drive me. When you're around I feel like my aim is truer, my mind is sharper. I feel like I can see the world at different angles, its edges are softer._

_Thane, you make me want to be better and for that, I can't thank you enough. I can only hope I've done a fraction for you of all that you have done for me._

_Wait for me, please. I promise, I'll get out of here and we'll be together again soon._

_Forever yours,_

_Clarissa Shepard_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My thanks to all you lovelies for indulging me in my, frankly, rusty foray back into fanfiction. It's been a number of years and I'm still working out the kinks in my writing muscles.   
> I do apologize for how long it took me to get this chapter out. RL likes to hit with a sledge hammer, and by the time I got back, I realized the draft that I had needed a major overhaul. A couple of rewrites later and I'm still not quite happy, but it's much, much better than it was. Still not great, but I think the initial draft was like, three pages, so better.  
> Thank you all for the feedback and the kudos, they went a long way in keeping me at the keyboard rather than getting too caught up in stupid drama.


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